Trying

I’m sitting in this chair in my Florida hotel room, sifting through mental images of the past 12 years I’ve spent with Rocio. It’s a quarter to seven in the morning and I haven’t slept a wink because I walked in from a bit of bar hopping earlier in the night. I met some interesting women and got a few phone numbers but it’s all fleeting. None of that really matters, does it? I mean, these girls have no real interest in calling me or speaking to me outside of the “trainwrecks” they call “successful nights out” and , to be honest, I don’t want to start dating girls that jump on any guy they deem “satisfactory”.

I guess I’m being a bit judgemental but I don’t see myself being with anyone like that for the long term. I just don’t understand how she is dating someone so soon after we split up. Within the week of  breaking up, she started seeing someone. It begs the question, did she even love me? How does someone do something so heartless? I can honestly say, I have not been the best boyfriend at times in the past but I grew into being someone trustworthy and dependable. I am proud of the person that I have grown to be, in some respects. I still have a long way to go though. I just know that I would never have been able to do something like that to her. Date someone with the intent on taking it further, so soon after I ended a 12 year relationship. What is that??? Or am I the one that doesn’t make sense?

Everyone says that at some point, she will see the error of her ways and make a play to get back in contact. People also tell me that when that happens, I’m going to “buckle” faster than a mother walking in on her teenage son. I, though, don’t know what I will do because at this point I know that I will never be able to trust her but I also am aware that I will never stop loving her. I wanted to have children with this woman. I wanted to get married to her. Now I’m just searching for answers and trying to find out when that cataclysmic break in my heart will heal enough for me to have some semblance of a normal life.

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