Well, another day and another post. I have been here contemplating whether I should write something today and I figured that I would because I have an interesting question to ask. What is your interpretation of success? I listen to songs and watch videos and most of those people equate money and fame with success but then there are others who want a huge family and consider that as having made it. But what do YOU strive for? A high paying job? A huge house? Lots of cars? I thought I knew what I needed in order to be satisfied but , literally, about 13 seconds ago I realized that I really have no idea. I mean, what would it take for me to reach the ultimate happiness? I think that since I have no idea, I strive to find it and that puts me in so many different, good situations that I’m bound to latch on to something and hold it dear, as my ultimate dream. There are so many twists and turns that, even as inadvertent as it may be, you will find that purpose in your life and everything will seem a bit clearer.
ANOTHER EPIPHANY!!: At this point in my existence, enjoying my people is top priority. I am sure that there will come a time, maybe soon, that I will have to take a step back and re-evaluate my situation and put more emphasis in other things but for now, that’s it. This post is not about me though. I want to know what you think you need to be happy. I am well aware that by asking this question it would be better to have a bunch of subscribers to my blog and about 3000 friends on Facebook, but I would rather do it this way and anyone who is willing to write back can do that. I usually get messages in my facebook inbox but come on y’all, leave em’ on here.
I went to a party over the weekend, you can see the pictures I took and the people I took them with on Facebook if you would like. I don’t go out to many things like this and in doing so over the weekend, I found myself in the confines of something purely “good”. No negative situations. Just people coming together to enjoy other people. I’m happy about that because I need these kinds of escapes from time to time. Presently, I am listening to “Open Your Eyes” by Pusha-T and it’s giving me this kind of motivation to go over and beyond whatever has been plaguing me for the past little while. I know that this is going to be a looooong year and that I will have to actively push forward to get back to being normal but I have those days when I falter and I ask myself if I will be able to get out of this funk that I’m fighting through. It’s tough to maintain that happy, positive feeling a lot of the times because I have holes in my days where I have time to think about things, and her, and it brings it all back. That’s why I’m so grateful that people enjoy being around me enough to request my company. A lot of times, I don’t realize that I make any kind of difference in anyone’s life but I hear it every now and then and I just want the people that have mentioned it to know that I am happy I could help you to be happier, even if it’s only for a fleeting moment. I love everyone and I wish we could all be happy but that’s not how this whole thing works, is it? Making people happy makes me happy though. It gives me a satisfaction that I don’t get in anything else.
That’s why going to that house party was so cool because I got back what I give out, a good time. Met some new, interesting people and had the cops shut it down towards the earlier hours of the morning. All in all, memorable night and I have to say that I need to do more of these types of things. A lot of things are changing for me this year and it’s only March! I need to seek out and find the motivating factors from any and everywhere I can. I will make it through all of this. I made the mistake of neglecting the necessary relationships and focused on a cancerous one, so much so, that now my soul feels like it has been compromised and I am clawing my way back to normalcy. I wish I could wake up one day and see that this is all over with and that I feel better enough to move on but it’s never that easy. I’m fighting it though and I won’t stop until I turn that corner and I am completely healed. I just wish that there was some sort of “clear cut” answer to this shit. One of the worst things I can think of dealing with, is a heartbreak of some sort. Whether it be the death of a loved one, having your dreams dashed, or the end of a “life altering” relationship, when you love something and lose it, it’s like walking around with a complete loss of faith.
I guess I can openly say that I need help to get through this. I won’t conquer this alone. I have gotten a lot of help already from friends of mine and that has been great. Some great things are coming for me, I already know, but will I get out of my own way in time to reap the benefits? Or will I ruin the chances I have at being successful because I am overwhelmed with a strong sense of grief and resentment? I guess time will tell but the daily struggle continues.
I’ve been in a very pensive state lately but I’ll be the first to tell you that I do that all of the time. I just start thinking about all of the different things in life, things that don’t even necessarily correspond directly to me or even have anything to do with my existence. Like right now, I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I have no goal in publishing it. I’m just letting my heart speak and whatever comes out of that will be whatever it is. I don’t have a very extensive list of friends. I just recently got Facebook and it asks you if you would like to add people to your “friends” list. I don’t have many folks on mine, compared to the people that I see on there but when I asked most people if they ACTUALLY have that many friends, their responses usually ended up being that most folks were not “friends” but connections that they could use down the line. Personally, I don’t have that on my list.
Everyone on that list of mine is a genuine friend to me or someone that I truly enjoy and just don’t see. It makes me think though, should I open myself up to just meeting a bunch of different people? Having a huge list that can parallel the absurdities that I see on some lists? A lot of people may find what I’m saying to be a bit crazy but you have to look at this from my point of view. I have been in a relationship for the past 12 years and for the most part, I have tried to curtail the amount of craziness in my life. I didn’t go out to crazy parties, I didn’t get shitfaced with my friends, I don’t have problems remembering some of my wilder nights. I don’t feel like I missed out on anything but , trying to see this in the most positive light possible, I have a second chance at living this life I’m living and I now have to ask myself ” Do I want to live like an English librarian and be super boring? Or do I just do whatever the fuck I want? Tough question, right?
Whatever happens, I’m going to try to look at this situation as a blessing and not a curse, which will be a bit hard. I have to nurture friendships that I’ve neglected due to the fact that I wanted to keep my partner happy and give her the attention that she desired. As I am sitting down typing this, I have no idea in what direction my life will go but somehow, I like that fact. I know that my common sense will kick in when it has to, and that I won’t do anything stupid like tattoo my face or buy a pair of skinny jeans but the fact that not EVERYTHING in my life is planned gives me a bit of excitement to see what’s around the corner. Someone once said “We only have one chance to get it right” but I don’t believe that. We make our destiny. We can shape it and mold it, like clay and I refuse to believe that if I lose once, I can’t win again. I am going to push on and hold my head up and believe in the fact that I am a good person with a good heart, that loves people and that wants to sample all of what life is dishing out. Heartbreak sucks but I will not let it own me.I’m going to put up a fight.
So I’m sitting in this uncomfortable chair and I am thinking about you. I am pretty sure that the people who have been close to me in the past 3 months or so are tired of hearing about you and I’m sure they’ve been tired of hearing about you for years now but this is the last “letter” I will write to you. I don’t understand what happened between us. Honestly, I thought things were great but I didn’t realize that there was something seething under your surface. An anger that you never got past, in the 12 years that we were together. Yea, I made a mistake and I cheated. I live with that everyday because I wonder what it would have been like if that had never happened. If I’d have never been so stupid to be with that girl, when I was 14. It sounds absolutely crazy now because it was so long ago and we’ve grown exponentially since then. But you held it. I used to tell myself that this was inevitable, that you would cheat, and that when it came to fruition I shouldn’t be too hurt or shocked but I countered that by attempting to be the best person, for you, that I could be, in the hopes that you would see that and realize that I was the man you envisioned. Turning all of the opportunities down and even avoiding them all together. But for all of the strides I made, you only saw “the flaw”, so none of it even meant anything. I do miss you though. You told me that I should be happy for you but really? Be happy? Concede? I can’t. But you’re not giving a shit about me anyway so what’s the point. 12 years and you enter into a serious relationship, literally, a week after. So I have to literally say “Fuck you for now” and try to get my life back together. Even though I will probably write about you again, I have to minimize the output. No more drinking and smoking and feeling sorry for myself. I have to “man up” and stand up for my future and for the happiness that I don’t seem to want to let myself have. There are some amazing people in my corner that I am not enjoying because I am fighting so hard to stay above water and although I know I will have these days for a long time, I cannot let them define my existence. It’s March and I have 9 months to turn this year around. So I’m going to try to “right the ship” and enjoy life like I never have before. I wish that we could have done it together but the way you did this proves to me that you were probably supposed to get off of this bus a couple of stops ago…
So, here I am on February 28th, at a friend’s place, just chilling out and I get the sneaking suspicion that my time in this apartment is almost up. Possibly because of the fact that I haven’t gone home in about 3 weeks. I am having trouble getting back on my feet, mentally. After the breakup, over the holidays, I have been on a few dates with some really sexy women but I manage to ruin it somehow. Either I’m over anxious or I assume that, with a week or two of not seeing each other, we could jump right back into what the feelings were when we first met. Usually, I know what to do in certain situations with these women and I do it very expertly but I have gotten to a point where my confidence is low. Having this girl leave me was the one thing that I never thought would happen. I was strong within the relationship, I had the confidence to lead. But now, I’m just not sure how to approach anything. It reminds me of something I saw on one of those “prison” shows. You spend so much time living your life in jail that you don’t understand how to cope when you’re back in the real world. Everything is so different. I’m not trying to say that the relationship was jail but the environments are so different.
I know that it was fairly recent but I wish I could speed up this process to feeling better. I just know that I couldn’t hurt someone like that. I’m trying so hard but I don’t know what it is I’m trying to do. I’m gonna fight. I’m gonna fight. I have to remember all of the advice that I’ve gotten and use it. I just need to sustain this positive thinking.