Venting

So I’m sitting in this uncomfortable chair and I am thinking about you. I am pretty sure that the people who have been close to me in the past 3 months or so are tired of hearing about you and I’m sure they’ve been tired of hearing about you for years now but this is the last “letter” I will write to you. I don’t understand what happened between us. Honestly, I thought things were great but I didn’t realize that there was something seething under your surface. An anger that you never got past, in the 12 years that we were together. Yea, I made a mistake and I cheated. I live with that everyday because I wonder what it would have been like if that had never happened. If I’d have never been so stupid to be with that girl, when I was 14. It sounds absolutely crazy now because it was so long ago and we’ve grown exponentially since then. But you held it. I used to tell myself that this was inevitable, that you would cheat,  and that when it came to fruition I shouldn’t be too hurt or shocked but I countered that by attempting to be the best person, for you, that I could be, in the hopes that you would see that and realize that I was the man you envisioned. Turning all of the opportunities down and even avoiding them all together. But for all of the strides I made, you only saw “the flaw”, so none of it even meant anything. I do miss you though. You told me that I should be happy for you but really? Be happy? Concede? I can’t.  But you’re not giving a shit about me anyway so what’s the point. 12 years and you enter into a serious relationship, literally, a week after. So I have to literally say “Fuck you for now” and try to get my life back together.  Even though I will probably write about you again, I have to minimize the output. No more drinking and smoking and feeling sorry for myself. I have to “man up” and stand up for my future and for the happiness that I don’t seem to want to let myself have. There are some amazing people in my corner that I am not enjoying because I am fighting so hard to stay above water and although I know I will have these days for a long time, I cannot let them define my existence. It’s March and I have 9 months to turn this year around. So I’m going to try to “right the ship” and enjoy life like I never have before. I wish that we could have done it together but the way you did this proves to me that you were probably supposed to get off of this bus a couple of stops ago…

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