I’ve been in a very pensive state lately but I’ll be the first to tell you that I do that all of the time. I just start thinking about all of the different things in life, things that don’t even necessarily correspond directly to me or even have anything to do with my existence. Like right now, I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I have no goal in publishing it. I’m just letting my heart speak and whatever comes out of that will be whatever it is. I don’t have a very extensive list of friends. I just recently got Facebook and it asks you if you would like to add people to your “friends” list. I don’t have many folks on mine, compared to the people that I see on there but when I asked most people if they ACTUALLY have that many friends, their responses usually ended up being that most folks were not “friends” but connections that they could use down the line. Personally, I don’t have that on my list.
Everyone on that list of mine is a genuine friend to me or someone that I truly enjoy and just don’t see. It makes me think though, should I open myself up to just meeting a bunch of different people? Having a huge list that can parallel the absurdities that I see on some lists? A lot of people may find what I’m saying to be a bit crazy but you have to look at this from my point of view. I have been in a relationship for the past 12 years and for the most part, I have tried to curtail the amount of craziness in my life. I didn’t go out to crazy parties, I didn’t get shitfaced with my friends, I don’t have problems remembering some of my wilder nights. I don’t feel like I missed out on anything but , trying to see this in the most positive light possible, I have a second chance at living this life I’m living and I now have to ask myself ” Do I want to live like an English librarian and be super boring? Or do I just do whatever the fuck I want? Tough question, right?
Whatever happens, I’m going to try to look at this situation as a blessing and not a curse, which will be a bit hard. I have to nurture friendships that I’ve neglected due to the fact that I wanted to keep my partner happy and give her the attention that she desired. As I am sitting down typing this, I have no idea in what direction my life will go but somehow, I like that fact. I know that my common sense will kick in when it has to, and that I won’t do anything stupid like tattoo my face or buy a pair of skinny jeans but the fact that not EVERYTHING in my life is planned gives me a bit of excitement to see what’s around the corner. Someone once said “We only have one chance to get it right” but I don’t believe that. We make our destiny. We can shape it and mold it, like clay and I refuse to believe that if I lose once, I can’t win again. I am going to push on and hold my head up and believe in the fact that I am a good person with a good heart, that loves people and that wants to sample all of what life is dishing out. Heartbreak sucks but I will not let it own me.I’m going to put up a fight.