Mind racing

I went to a party over the weekend, you can see the pictures I took and the people I took them with on Facebook if you would like. I don’t go out to many things like this and in doing so over the weekend, I found myself in the confines of something purely “good”. No negative situations. Just people coming together to enjoy other people. I’m happy about that because I need these kinds of escapes from time to time. Presently, I am listening to “Open Your Eyes” by Pusha-T and it’s giving me this kind of motivation to go over and beyond whatever has been plaguing me for the past little while. I know that this is going to be a looooong year and that I will have to actively push forward to get back to being normal but I have those days when I falter and I ask myself if I will be able to get out of this funk that I’m fighting through. It’s tough to maintain that happy, positive feeling a lot of the times because I have holes in my days where I have time to think about things, and her, and it brings it all back. That’s why I’m so grateful that people enjoy being around me enough to request my company. A lot of times, I don’t realize that I make any kind of difference in anyone’s life but I hear it every now and then and I just want the people that have mentioned it to know that I am happy I could help you to be happier, even if it’s only for a fleeting moment. I love everyone and I wish we could all be happy but that’s not how this whole thing works, is it? Making people happy makes me happy though. It gives me a satisfaction that I don’t get in anything else.

That’s why going to that house party was so cool because I got back what I give out, a good time. Met some new, interesting people and had the cops shut it down towards the earlier hours of the morning. All in all, memorable night and I have to say that I need to do more of these types of things. A lot of things are changing for me this year and it’s only March! I need to seek out and find the motivating factors from any and everywhere I can. I will make it through all of this. I made the mistake of neglecting the necessary relationships and focused on a cancerous one, so much so, that now my soul feels like it has been compromised and I am clawing my way back to normalcy. I wish I could wake up one day and see that this is all over with and that I feel better enough to move on but it’s never that easy. I’m fighting it though and I won’t stop until I turn that corner and I am completely healed. I just wish that there was some sort of “clear cut” answer to this shit. One of the worst things I can think of dealing with, is a heartbreak of some sort. Whether it be the death of a loved one, having your dreams dashed, or the end of a “life altering” relationship, when you love something and lose it, it’s like walking around with a complete loss of faith.

I guess I can openly say that I need help to get through this. I won’t conquer this alone. I have gotten a lot of help already from friends of mine and that has been great. Some great things are coming for me, I already know, but will I get out of my own way in time to reap the benefits? Or will I ruin the chances I have at being successful because I am overwhelmed with a strong sense of grief and resentment? I guess time will tell but the daily struggle continues.

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