The 5 a.m. rebuilding project

Just finished a bit of homework and I thought that I would end my night by writing a bit to clear my head. I’ve been thinking about Rocio a bit in the past few days. I guess I’m supposed to have days like this, so I don’t think too much of it most times but it does suck a lot. I wonder how she is and if she is alright but I have also been taking Kyle’s advice and I’ve been immersing myself in personal projects. I have to admit that it does help a bit with the constant thinking about relationship stuff. And I have started training again as well as playing more basketball. It’s the first time that I have played so consistently since I hurt my foot and I am starting to see a big difference in my physique. I haven’t felt this good in a while and to be completely honest, I don’t even feel that great. That just goes to show how down I have been in the past few months but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. I have to keep diving into things that interest me and I need to use how I feel and make it work to my advantage, rather than sulking and doing things that will remind me of it.

I’m starting to understand that a bit better in recent weeks. I have also been yearning to train even after I leave the gym. My body hurts and I’m tired but I want more. I haven’t felt like that in over a year and, to me, it’s almost a foreign sentiment. I am starting to set goals for myself and I am getting back into the habit of working hard to get to what I want. I was getting away from that for a little while but I have found motivation despite how I tend to feel every now and again. Like I said in a previous post, ” I am not going to let this situation define my existence.” I am starting to enjoy other folks and see the goodness in them. I try not to look at them and judge them to be anything similar to what Rocio is/was. It wouldn’t be fair to put them in the same boat because of what she did, because they are different people and are entitled to their own opportunities to thrive in an environment that includes me. I am realizing that the strength that I need to overcome this adversity rests within me and although I knew this I guess I just needed to, figuratively, splash some cold water on my face and wake up a bit. Whatever though, I’m coming back, slowly but it’s getting there.

I am proud to say that I am taking baby steps to get myself back into a normal state of mind and I can take it a step further and say that I am striving for a “great state”. I am not going to stop either. I am going to get this done. Pardon my language but this is going to be fuckin’ hard. I have had a long road back to this point and it isn’t going to get easier but I have to believe in myself. I have navigated myself to decency so far and I have to remember that there are going to be storms along the way. The fight will never end. I don’t think I will ever fully get over this but maybe that’s just the way it has to be. We can’t run from who we are, our destiny chooses us.

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