Family Comes First

Family is something really strange at times.My whole life I’ve felt extremely disconnected from my family, immediate and other but it never dawned on me that I could help bring us together. I was content to just coast through whatever life is and act as if it never bothered me. It did and still does though. Anyone who is close to me knows that my relationship with my father is terminal, to say the least and yet I have friends that say stupid things every now and then and mention it in a joking way as if that kind of stuff is funny. I guess they think they got past their shortcomings but in reality they’ve only come up short. My family as a whole is not very close but the immediates have always been around each other enough to escape that fate until recently. I started seeing some tiny cracks in the foundation that needed to be mended. Lacks of communication and increasing distance made me take a step back and think about how I wanted it all to go from this point on. I do not want us to get close again due to a family tragedy, because I don’t believe that that closeness is genuine. Had nothing happened we would still be doing our own things and not giving a fuck about each other.

I’ve always admired the family dynamics of certain people that I have come into contact with because seemingly, they had the perfect situation but the more I look inside of myself and I take a deeper look at that picture, I realized that we all struggle with the various personalities that comprise family life. Nothing is perfect and I admire the folks that aren’t afraid to show the flaws rather than brush them under the rug, so to speak, and make it seem like everything is copacetic. I am flawed and so is every person in my family but I feel like I was entrusted with the ability to keep us together. When I was in New York, I had my Godmother there with me and we were both struggling to do what we had to do. Both there by choice, both of us with the ability to return to our respective homes, hers in Trinidad and mine in Montreal but we stuck it out and relied on each other. I made it out of there because she was there for me and had she not been, I would have failed. Writing this right now is really difficult for me because she’s no longer here with us but she instilled a few things in me and one of them was to lead. Be there for my family. So I’m going to do it, with a heavy heart, and keep us going…because I always had the ability but I only now understand the responsibility.

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Friends?

I can’t say that I think like anyone else that I know but I always make the mistake of assuming that we all have similar thought patterns when it comes to very general things. I am the type of person that will occasionally send a message or make a phone call to check on the folks that I care about just to make sure that everything is alright. I mean, I don’t do it every week or anything but I do it periodically just to see if everything is on the up and up.  In the past couple of months though, I have realized that if I don’t reach out to folks, I may not hear from them at all and so I started thinking about it a bit and to be completely honest, there could be a lot of different reasons why that is but I just feel like if you’re really down for me and you consider yourself someone close to me, taking two seconds to see how I’m doing isn’t going to alter your day too much. This may sound a bit narcissistic but it isn’t meant to be. I’m speaking from my point of view because I can’t speak on anyone else’s. In no way am I trying to say that I need to be checked up on. I’m just saying that, for me, it would be great to hear from a friend of mine instead of having to constantly seek him/her out. I mean, we’re friends, right?

I feel the need to clarify my thoughts, this is not meant to be a shot at any one person in particular. It is meant to be exactly what I wrote it to be, a random thought that I felt inspired to write about. I just can’t agree with the compulsion to avoid contact with someone that you consider a close friend and when things like this happen I start to wonder “Well, how close of friends are we, really?” I understand that during any given day, there are many things that can get in the way and you may tend to forget certain “to-do’s” that you meant to take care of but when this drags on for weeks and even months, I have to start asking myself questions. I can say this though, I’m not the best at doing this. I am very hard to locate at times and I realize that I have to get better at this stuff but I do know that I try to keep in touch with the people that I deem worthy to be in my circle. I hope you do too. They’re in your circle for a reason…

Summer Madness

I’ve been gone for a while but I decided that I should begin the process of writing again while summer is still among us. I have had a very productive summer season. Lots of change and movement and just realizing different types of things about myself, all while meeting new people and making the most of my days. So why is it that I find myself in such a familiar position of flux? I have to say, the sadness for the ex-girlfriend has mostly all dissipated but I still long for her sometimes and wish that things could have just remained the way that they were. I remember watching a scene from the movie “Eat, Pray, Love” where James Franco and Julia Roberts are in bed together and he says something to the effect of “Why can’t we just stay like this? Unhappily happy”. After watching that movie, I knew she would leave. Partly because she runs from her problems and partly because I just knew she would run from the idea of us. It really didn’t matter what I did, or could do, she was gonna find a way out. I recently saw her as I was going to work and she tried to “friend chat” me. As if the last 12 years of our lives weren’t spent fighting for what we thought each other should be. We started seriously talking and she brought up, again, the fact that I cheated on her 10-11 years ago. I had, at that moment, come to the conclusion that that is the only real thing that she can use to make peace with what she did and if I am right, then I am better off.

 

On a completely different note, I have been faced with numerous dating offers over the past few months. It’s all very refreshing because I had sort of forgotten that so many women find me attractive due to the boa constriction that was my most recent relationship. The fact that this is happening gives me a kind of confidence in myself that has eluded me in the past but it isn’t the only thing that has inspired me. I feel like this adversity has flicked a switch inside of me that has never been accessed. I have had a very small group of people that have helped pull me out of the darkness that I was in and I have to thank them a lot. My little homie Sammy, I love you. You’re too great and I just want you to know that I have your back. And my Slovak…”tanks” for being u. Sarah, you mean a lot to me and I hope that when you get back, we’ll still be close. And to everyone else, thanks. I’m growing as a person. I just hope that I’m growing up instead of growing down…