Family Comes First

Family is something really strange at times.My whole life I’ve felt extremely disconnected from my family, immediate and other but it never dawned on me that I could help bring us together. I was content to just coast through whatever life is and act as if it never bothered me. It did and still does though. Anyone who is close to me knows that my relationship with my father is terminal, to say the least and yet I have friends that say stupid things every now and then and mention it in a joking way as if that kind of stuff is funny. I guess they think they got past their shortcomings but in reality they’ve only come up short. My family as a whole is not very close but the immediates have always been around each other enough to escape that fate until recently. I started seeing some tiny cracks in the foundation that needed to be mended. Lacks of communication and increasing distance made me take a step back and think about how I wanted it all to go from this point on. I do not want us to get close again due to a family tragedy, because I don’t believe that that closeness is genuine. Had nothing happened we would still be doing our own things and not giving a fuck about each other.

I’ve always admired the family dynamics of certain people that I have come into contact with because seemingly, they had the perfect situation but the more I look inside of myself and I take a deeper look at that picture, I realized that we all struggle with the various personalities that comprise family life. Nothing is perfect and I admire the folks that aren’t afraid to show the flaws rather than brush them under the rug, so to speak, and make it seem like everything is copacetic. I am flawed and so is every person in my family but I feel like I was entrusted with the ability to keep us together. When I was in New York, I had my Godmother there with me and we were both struggling to do what we had to do. Both there by choice, both of us with the ability to return to our respective homes, hers in Trinidad and mine in Montreal but we stuck it out and relied on each other. I made it out of there because she was there for me and had she not been, I would have failed. Writing this right now is really difficult for me because she’s no longer here with us but she instilled a few things in me and one of them was to lead. Be there for my family. So I’m going to do it, with a heavy heart, and keep us going…because I always had the ability but I only now understand the responsibility.

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