Anniversary of change

A year ago today, I thought everything was over for me. I remember it so vividly that it still bothers me. She left and I really didn’t know what I was going to do because my identity was so intrenched in that relationship, I couldn’t see how I would have made it to do anything without her help. I never thought I would have gotten to that point because I have always considered myself a free thinker but I wasn’t. I guess I was lying to myself to keep from admitting that I was in too deep. Most of my friends saw me in the worst way after it all went down. Excessive drinking and smoking, things I never do, and just wallowing in pity for myself because I felt so lost. New Year’s was especially hard. Everyone was so happy. They were with the people that they wanted to be with, looking forward to the night. The celebration. I was alone and I had to put on my best face because I didn’t want to be the one that ruined it for them.

I don’t remember much about that night and the days that followed were some of the worst because of the silence. Being in my apartment , by myself and not having any motivation to do anything was hard. The only solace I could find was the initial dive into a deep sleep but before long even that was infected with the memories and thoughts that were swimming around in my head. I have to credit Kyle, Claire, Andree, Rocco, Joel, Justin and Madison and everyone else that helped me because if they hadn’t been there I would have probably done something stupid. Yea, it was bad.

I decided that the best thing for me to do was to go back to Florida, get back on the PBA campus and just be in the sun. And that’s where this blog came from. My idea was to let my heart speak and hope that it could maybe free me from that hell that I was in, also to maybe strike a cord with someone that was reading it and let them know that they were not alone in trying to fight out of that dark place. The sun was so good. It woke me up, reinvigorated my mind and speaking to my mentor in Boca Raton aligned my thoughts for a while. Enough for me to get back to Montreal and be productive for a little while. I relapse a little while after. Back to the depression but I fought, I fought so hard. Ups and downs and highs and lows and now I’m here.

All this to say that I have not forgotten her and I still love her. Always will, despite the hurt, but Stephan George is here now, not that other guy that I was struggling with for most of this year. And I am going to do some really incredible things with today and tomorrow and the next day, until I can’t anymore. This blog is about to change into something amazing. I am no longer looking back on those days. I am living in today and I am trying to become legendary.

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