It is in my nature to self-assess. Without it, I fear that I would be far less able to understand the things that I do. There was a time where I felt that I was simply getting lost in the attempt to look deeply within myself, without really getting much out of it, because I just didn’t understand what exactly I was looking for. It all ended up being a sort of exercise in futility, to some, but for me it was the beginning of where I now find myself.
A little while ago, I went through a breakup with a person that I truly cared for. It hurt me deeply but I have come to realize that the reason that it hurt me as much as it did was for completely different reasons, altogether. I will get a few things off of my chest in writing this…So here we go…I reluctantly began dating that woman, because I was not in a very good place, emotionally. In truth, I didn’t understand how to be alone. I was a serial monogamist and I had never really given myself the opportunity to learn about who I was, without the company of another. Right when I felt that I was about to really begin to feel how hard dealing with a breakup would become, I met this beautiful woman, who was such a gentle soul, at the time, that I was instantly attracted. As I am an individual that thoroughly relies on his instinct, I began getting internal signals to leave it alone but I shook them off like a stubborn pitcher. What my instinct had attempted to remind me of was very simple:
“You’re not in a good enough place to undertake all of what is necessary to make this work, in the way that you want.”
That much was clear to me. But since I didn’t want to be alone, to have to face all of the emotions that I knew that I would eventually have to face, I kept going. Eventually, that woman and I forged an understanding and slowly grew closer each and every time that we would spend significant time together. But I was always reluctant to officialize anything. She later informed me that her friends did not trust my intentions, as they felt that we had been dating for too long without any change in the status of our relationship.
It took me a year to agree to be exclusive and, to be honest, I could have waited longer. I wasn’t sold on it. It had very little to do with her and a lot to do with me. At that point, I knew that I could handle most of what it meant to be in a relationship, but I didn’t feel that it was the right time for it. I will admit, I had let her friends’ whispers sway my decision making, instead of standing firm in my convictions. Lesson learned. It wasn’t a bad decision, though. In fact, it was great. For a while. We were having a great time, together. In that time, I had also gotten to know her father. More on that, later.
Over time, the initial thoughts that pervaded the outermost corners of my subconscious began to dissipate and I felt that this relationship was, indeed, something that I wanted to be a part of. There was, however, an incident that set our relationship back and caused trust to be lost, in her direction, but come on…that can’t be traced back to the initial instinctive advice that I was given at the beginning of the relationship…could it?
“No, instinct, you are wrong. This is an isolated incident. Albeit, a significant one. Relax. Ain’t no “I told you so”, just yet.”
I won’t speak on what exactly happened, that caused the problem, but I will say that I wanted to work it out with my partner, and with her alone. The problem with that ideology was that the issue didn’t stem from her, but from extended members of her circle and, as a person with admitted trust issues, the relationship that I believed to have existed with the extended members was now fractured beyond repair. I pride myself on being open with the people that I let close to me. If something seems afoot to you, ask me about it and I will tell you. This is not what occurred and I couldn’t rid myself of the suspicion that this was not the end of what I thought was a highly exaggerated and unnecessary situation. The lone bright spot, in that whole mess, was her father. He stuck by me and he spoke to me pretty directly about why he chose to do so. I had never had anyone do that for me and I began to see him as a sort of father figure. He embodied a lot of traits that I hoped to, one day, possess, as a man.
Over time, I moved in with my partner and the adjustment period was….interesting….We both got on each others’ nerves but I chalked that up to being in much closer proximity to one another. I gradually began having machinations on doing something that would be more closely associated with a legacy play: Making a sacrifice of my time to be able to obtain my financial freedom, on my own terms. I began to attempt to collaborate with other like-minded individuals but there was something holding back my ability to put my all into what I was trying to do…The relationship…
“I told you so…Stop this now!”
It started to become more and more difficult to hold on to my energies, because my partner needed so much of it in order to deal with the things that she was going through. Was she aware of this? I don’t know. But it was what it was. Silly me, with that “savior” mentality, felt like she couldn’t do what she needed without me providing that type of support. I enabled it and didn’t understand how to cut it off. The result of what I allowed frustrated me because my own designs on accomplishing some shit were hollow. Lacking in various areas, because I simply didn’t possess the requisite energy to do what needed to be done. What should I have done? Well, I should have addressed it. But, to be fair, I wasn’t even aware that all of this was taking place.
The frustration began to build (on both sides, I’m sure) and I sought counsel from an outside source. A woman. I also started not being as careful, with context, around certain women, often alluding to possibilities that were non-existent. When those actions came full circle, it (may have) created a wedge in our relationship that we could not recover from. The relationship didn’t last long, beyond that point, and I always felt that it’s undoing was completely my fault. I still do. But not for the reason that you may believe.
After looking within myself and having some time to separate myself from everything that occurred, I can see that what I was sad about had nothing to do with my partner deciding to leave our union. It had everything to do with me thinking that I did so much for a person that they shouldn’t even think about leaving. In other words: Ego. My ego took a hit and I was shaken by it. “After everything that I had sacrificed to make sure that you had amassed a certain level of confidence, how could you decide that I wasn’t enough?” I never actually said this but I’m just trying to give you some insight. A lot of what went on was based on my ego, and that wasn’t fair to that person.
“It’s over…but it was not on my own terms…”
I have been on a mission to remove that feeling from my life, ever since. I am very aware that I may not ever accomplish this feat but I honestly don’t want anything to do with whatever my ego will bring to me. Not if it means that people hurt, as a result. Although there were things that were done on both sides, I am not here to recount those things. I am here to apologize for my ignorance. I am here to say that I will walk with my head high and own my portion of the discomfort. And I am here to say that I have learned and am still learning. One thing that I wish I would get a chance to do is speak to her father and tell him that I am sorry for hurting his daughter. I genuinely love that man. He taught me a lot and I feel that I failed him. He always told me about how much he would do for her. And although I know that not all of this is my fault, the optics may seem different, to him. I would reach out but I don’t think that it is the right thing to do. I don’t want to disturb whatever the flow is, that has been cultivated, in my absence. Hopefully, our interactions together will be enough for him to know that I meant well…