Don’t do it.
Daniel Caesar Feat. H.E.R. – Best Part
Hey… is this a bad time?
Not much. I’m sitting here wondering what you’re up to…How are you?
Oh, Okay. Cool. That’s good.
Me? Aww man, I’m okay. You know, just trying to navigate this world that we’re living in.
Haha, yea. That’s true.
The funny thing is that I just finished saying that I’m trying to navigate “this world that we’re living in”, but the premise of my statement is oxymoronic, by nature, since the world is unique to each and everyone living in it…Whatever, you know what I meant.
Haha, alright, alright. I get it. I’m a nerd. I guess that I deserved that.
Anyway, I know that I don’t normally call you, but I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I thought about, maybe, not acting on it but it had been on my mind, more and more, in the last few weeks so, you know…I just…did it.
Ah, you’re welcome. I’m happy that it could make you smile.
They’re all doing well. Everyone had a pretty eventful summer. You know how my mom is. Always out and about. How’s everyone on your end?
Ha ha. Of course he would do something like that. That man is too funny.
So, there was a bit more to this call than just wondering about you.
Yea, I figured that you would have been aware of that. Haha, not the most subtle guy in the world, I guess.
I mean…I miss you, a lil bit.
Nah, nah. I’m not trying to convince you of anything like that. We are who we are, now. I just know that I enjoy your company and that I would like to see you sometime.
Wow, really? I’m so glad that you feel that way. I was so nervous about saying that, to you. Hahaha. Oh man!
How come you never reached out, though?
Hmm. Okay. Well, it doesn’t matter. I’m just relieved that you feel that way.
Great. So when are you free? Maybe we can go for dinner.
Yea, as friends. Of cour…what?
Because, well, when I said that I missed you, you said that you…
Do you really like him? (Nervous laugh) Stupid question, I guess, but, I just…I dunno.
Yea…yea…maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s not a good time.
Yea….I’m sorry too…
I’ve decided to pause my social media activity. Not necessarily because I feel that it has become excessive, but for other reasons. I have made a substantial amount of progress with the things that I have been working on, over the course of the past few months, and I am incredibly happy about that. There has, however, been momentary slippage. I’ve said this for years: “Give yourself three months of consistent work, on whatever it is that you’re trying to make happen, and you will be extremely happy with where you’ll have gotten, once that time is up.” I purposely say three months because it may be harder for certain people to go longer than that, in one shot. I can attest to the fact that it works and now I’m ready to sink even deeper into my mantra. I have never attempted a media blackout but I don’t think that it will be too difficult to do it. I’m actually excited about it. This, combined with the writing that I do every day, will be very interesting to undertake. There will, most certainly, be a period of adjustment but I’m counting on that. I want to see how my psyche reacts to all of this.
I haven’t decided how long I will do this for but it will definitely be for a few months.
See you in a bit.
There’s a scent that is associated with that time, that I miss. It’s more than just the scent though. The sun used to set in a different hue. More orange, I would say. There was a certain gravitas that was acquired through knowing you and wanting to explore whatever this was. The way that you would look at me, with those eyes that shone so bright. There aren’t many things that I have ever seen that look like those eyes. What can I bring you that no one else can?
The world, in a kaleidoscope.
And the 73 degrees, at which I see it.
That, I am sure of. The security of your care warmed me and gave me an incorporeal dexterity. The direction, I had already developed. But you gave me something to look forward to, beyond my fated successes.
Old best friends. New strangers.
I grapple with the estrangement, despite what I am told. Because you are the homie. And although there are a plethora of misinterpretations and belief of incongruence, there is a truth that I know to be. Your diffidence makes it much simpler to judge outward than inward. We’re growing though. There’s no inertia, in what you now believe. The evolution is on it’s way.
I take it. I accept it.
I read, once, that “Sometimes, you just lose.”.
Maybe that’s the moral.
“Keep On Running”
My father was never much of a figure in my youth, which was a shame, but I had other folks to look to, for that sort of patriarchal motivation. A lot of what I’ve carried forward, and what I have fashioned in my own image, originated from the blueprint that they presented to me. The way that I dress, the way that I speak, it all comes from somewhere. Later on, I took a liking to reading and really examining situations connected to comfort and the lack thereof, in order to understand social cues. From there, I realized that I was a bit different. Reason being that I hadn’t encountered anyone that focused, so much, on the minutiae, the way that I did/do. It became apparent, to me, that I couldn’t follow any established blueprints to get where I felt I needed to go, and the folks that had inspired me were always supporting my journey. All of a sudden, indiscernible to even me, there was a shift. I began making exactly what I thought were the right moves, in order to attain my success. There were failures, but I was always on the right path. The issue was that there was a sort of inversion in my relationships with those close to me, that supported. They were always fans but they went from “The Standards” to “The Admirers”. Something seemingly made them think that they needed to accept their realities, instead of daring to continue to forge a path through the unknown. I became the inspiration. When I realized that this was the reality, I was surprised. I’ve never taken issue with this. I am honored to be able to be that, for any and everyone that enjoys it, but to these very specific people, it makes me uneasy. Because they have resigned to what their lives are. Which, in and of itself, isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Not even close. There is just so much that they are capable of. It hurts me immensely when I have to stand there and listen to them tell me “Do you know how it feels to know that you’re settling?” I took a second to think about it and, yeah, I do know what the feels like. I’ve done it twice. That day, when that rhetorical question was posed to me, all I could ask was “Is that really how you feel?”, to which the answer was “I feel that way because that’s what I’m doing.”. In that moment, I realized 2 things: I need to help get them where they need to be and if I can’t do that, myself, I need to continue to be an example.
That specific situation put a lot of things in perspective, for me. It just explained a lot of things that I felt but couldn’t properly associate, in my mind. One of the things that I couldn’t quite place my finger on was an occurrence during a pretty big transitional period in my life, a little while ago, and I had been in a true funk. I was trying to figure out how this whole thing happened and why this kind of thing happens to me. I simply wasn’t being myself. It came to a head, one day, and they actually started to show anger for the way that I was being. Many things have happened to me, in my life but they, very seldom, have ever demonstrated any frustration about my sadness. This was different for some reason. It was as if they were saying “You have a chance to do great things now! There’s nothing holding you back, anymore! Do what you’re supposed to do, now!” In this instance, I am paraphrasing, but those words had actually been said to me, on a different occasion. It was like watching a movie with two characters attempting to escape a terrible situation but one of them knows that only one can make it. So that one decides to do all he/she can to give the other the chance. I feel that I am the one that was fated to escape. I want to save them, though. And I believe that I can save them. Save them from simply allowing things to be, and going after that elusive success that comes only when a person puts themselves on the line. For them to have been an inspiration, to me, and for me to simply leave them behind while they struggle with what they should do, would be a sign that I didn’t truly value what had been given to me, regardless of if they had been aware that they had been giving it, or not. I am a leader, now. Responsibilities rest upon my shoulders and I have always been brave enough to carry them. The difference is that I have grown into the man that can actually carry them, now.