Anniversary of change

A year ago today, I thought everything was over for me. I remember it so vividly that it still bothers me. She left and I really didn’t know what I was going to do because my identity was so intrenched in that relationship, I couldn’t see how I would have made it to do anything without her help. I never thought I would have gotten to that point because I have always considered myself a free thinker but I wasn’t. I guess I was lying to myself to keep from admitting that I was in too deep. Most of my friends saw me in the worst way after it all went down. Excessive drinking and smoking, things I never do, and just wallowing in pity for myself because I felt so lost. New Year’s was especially hard. Everyone was so happy. They were with the people that they wanted to be with, looking forward to the night. The celebration. I was alone and I had to put on my best face because I didn’t want to be the one that ruined it for them.

I don’t remember much about that night and the days that followed were some of the worst because of the silence. Being in my apartment , by myself and not having any motivation to do anything was hard. The only solace I could find was the initial dive into a deep sleep but before long even that was infected with the memories and thoughts that were swimming around in my head. I have to credit Kyle, Claire, Andree, Rocco, Joel, Justin and Madison and everyone else that helped me because if they hadn’t been there I would have probably done something stupid. Yea, it was bad.

I decided that the best thing for me to do was to go back to Florida, get back on the PBA campus and just be in the sun. And that’s where this blog came from. My idea was to let my heart speak and hope that it could maybe free me from that hell that I was in, also to maybe strike a cord with someone that was reading it and let them know that they were not alone in trying to fight out of that dark place. The sun was so good. It woke me up, reinvigorated my mind and speaking to my mentor in Boca Raton aligned my thoughts for a while. Enough for me to get back to Montreal and be productive for a little while. I relapse a little while after. Back to the depression but I fought, I fought so hard. Ups and downs and highs and lows and now I’m here.

All this to say that I have not forgotten her and I still love her. Always will, despite the hurt, but Stephan George is here now, not that other guy that I was struggling with for most of this year. And I am going to do some really incredible things with today and tomorrow and the next day, until I can’t anymore. This blog is about to change into something amazing. I am no longer looking back on those days. I am living in today and I am trying to become legendary.

Grief counseling & other things

I haven’t been updating this blog as much as I probably should. I just don’t believe in pushing myself to write. It’s always within me to do it and when I feel compelled, I do. It’s been a crazy year so far. I’ve gone through so much and I have learned a lot about myself and people. It wasn’t easy and for a while I didn’t think I was going to make it but I got a lot of help and I pulled through. I still have my days where I think about the past and I look back fondly, but ultimately, I think I’m a lot better off. I wasn’t even allowed to be me in that relationship and just the fact of now being able to express myself  in the ways that I really feel are necessary to my growth, I can breathe better. I don’t have all the answers to this, in fact, I don’t really think I know anything but I am aware that the”me” that I am now is more “me” than I have ever been. I still pull back a lot and maybe I shouldn’t but I’m becoming a brand new person, slowly but surely. The person I feel I was always supposed to be.

I also think I found someone that I may be interested in being with, for the long term but I’m no psychic. Only time will tell if this person can handle being with me. Things in general aren’t that bad right now though. They could be better but they could be a lot worse. I just want all of the people who read this, whether you just got out of a relationship or you just have commitment issues, my advice is “Get out of your comfort zone”. Do something you have never done before and try your best to let go of all the thinking you do. Your brain doesn’t have to be a high speed computer all the time. Sometimes, the moment is all we need. Sometimes, the moment can change you and make you realize things in a different way. I still have to practice what I preach but knowing is half the battle right? Shouts to my man BDiddy for the birth of his daughter and my cousin Randy. I really miss you man. I gotta get back to Brooklyn soon, let me just finish some projects I have here. Everybody else that is reading this, I love you all. Let’s end this year positively.

The 5 a.m. rebuilding project

Just finished a bit of homework and I thought that I would end my night by writing a bit to clear my head. I’ve been thinking about Rocio a bit in the past few days. I guess I’m supposed to have days like this, so I don’t think too much of it most times but it does suck a lot. I wonder how she is and if she is alright but I have also been taking Kyle’s advice and I’ve been immersing myself in personal projects. I have to admit that it does help a bit with the constant thinking about relationship stuff. And I have started training again as well as playing more basketball. It’s the first time that I have played so consistently since I hurt my foot and I am starting to see a big difference in my physique. I haven’t felt this good in a while and to be completely honest, I don’t even feel that great. That just goes to show how down I have been in the past few months but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. I have to keep diving into things that interest me and I need to use how I feel and make it work to my advantage, rather than sulking and doing things that will remind me of it.

I’m starting to understand that a bit better in recent weeks. I have also been yearning to train even after I leave the gym. My body hurts and I’m tired but I want more. I haven’t felt like that in over a year and, to me, it’s almost a foreign sentiment. I am starting to set goals for myself and I am getting back into the habit of working hard to get to what I want. I was getting away from that for a little while but I have found motivation despite how I tend to feel every now and again. Like I said in a previous post, ” I am not going to let this situation define my existence.” I am starting to enjoy other folks and see the goodness in them. I try not to look at them and judge them to be anything similar to what Rocio is/was. It wouldn’t be fair to put them in the same boat because of what she did, because they are different people and are entitled to their own opportunities to thrive in an environment that includes me. I am realizing that the strength that I need to overcome this adversity rests within me and although I knew this I guess I just needed to, figuratively, splash some cold water on my face and wake up a bit. Whatever though, I’m coming back, slowly but it’s getting there.

I am proud to say that I am taking baby steps to get myself back into a normal state of mind and I can take it a step further and say that I am striving for a “great state”. I am not going to stop either. I am going to get this done. Pardon my language but this is going to be fuckin’ hard. I have had a long road back to this point and it isn’t going to get easier but I have to believe in myself. I have navigated myself to decency so far and I have to remember that there are going to be storms along the way. The fight will never end. I don’t think I will ever fully get over this but maybe that’s just the way it has to be. We can’t run from who we are, our destiny chooses us.

Venting

So I’m sitting in this uncomfortable chair and I am thinking about you. I am pretty sure that the people who have been close to me in the past 3 months or so are tired of hearing about you and I’m sure they’ve been tired of hearing about you for years now but this is the last “letter” I will write to you. I don’t understand what happened between us. Honestly, I thought things were great but I didn’t realize that there was something seething under your surface. An anger that you never got past, in the 12 years that we were together. Yea, I made a mistake and I cheated. I live with that everyday because I wonder what it would have been like if that had never happened. If I’d have never been so stupid to be with that girl, when I was 14. It sounds absolutely crazy now because it was so long ago and we’ve grown exponentially since then. But you held it. I used to tell myself that this was inevitable, that you would cheat,  and that when it came to fruition I shouldn’t be too hurt or shocked but I countered that by attempting to be the best person, for you, that I could be, in the hopes that you would see that and realize that I was the man you envisioned. Turning all of the opportunities down and even avoiding them all together. But for all of the strides I made, you only saw “the flaw”, so none of it even meant anything. I do miss you though. You told me that I should be happy for you but really? Be happy? Concede? I can’t.  But you’re not giving a shit about me anyway so what’s the point. 12 years and you enter into a serious relationship, literally, a week after. So I have to literally say “Fuck you for now” and try to get my life back together.  Even though I will probably write about you again, I have to minimize the output. No more drinking and smoking and feeling sorry for myself. I have to “man up” and stand up for my future and for the happiness that I don’t seem to want to let myself have. There are some amazing people in my corner that I am not enjoying because I am fighting so hard to stay above water and although I know I will have these days for a long time, I cannot let them define my existence. It’s March and I have 9 months to turn this year around. So I’m going to try to “right the ship” and enjoy life like I never have before. I wish that we could have done it together but the way you did this proves to me that you were probably supposed to get off of this bus a couple of stops ago…

Confusion

So, here I am on February 28th, at a friend’s place, just chilling out and I get the sneaking suspicion that my time in this apartment is almost up. Possibly because of the fact that I haven’t gone home in about 3 weeks. I am having trouble getting back on my feet, mentally. After the breakup, over the holidays, I have been on a few dates with some really sexy women but I manage to ruin it somehow. Either I’m over anxious or I assume that, with a week or two of not seeing each other, we could jump right back into what the feelings were when we first met. Usually, I know what to do in certain situations with these women and I do it very expertly but I have gotten to a point where my confidence is low. Having this girl leave me was the one thing that I never thought would happen. I was strong within the relationship, I had the confidence to lead. But now, I’m just not sure how to approach anything. It reminds me of something I saw on one of those “prison” shows. You spend so much time living your life in jail that you don’t understand how to cope when you’re back in the real world. Everything is so different. I’m not trying to say that the relationship was jail but the environments are so different.

I know that it was fairly recent but I wish I could speed up this process to feeling better. I just know that I couldn’t hurt someone like that. I’m trying so hard but I don’t know what it is I’m trying to do. I’m gonna fight. I’m gonna fight. I have to remember all of the advice that I’ve gotten and use it. I just need to sustain this positive thinking.