Purple

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“Open your eyes” – Pusha T

The writing that I do is therapeutic because I don’t feel comfortable talking about a lot of what I write with the people that I am around. It isn’t because of them, it’s just me. I have trust issues. Ironically enough, I have created an outlet, online, for many of my hypotheses to be forever scrutinized by any and everyone. An amusing thought. The anonymity of the reader eases me. When I open my books and unscrew my fountain pen cap to write what is on my mind, or when I create these draft pages, the words begin to seep out like a crack in a dam. At first, there is no consistent flow to what I am attempting to convey but, before long, the minor leak gives way to a current that cannot be obstructed until the entirety of what has been contained has been set free. This is one of my dear elements. Through this release, I am able to find a momentary peace of mind. The pressure within the pipes returns to manageable levels. I am “in my head” a lot but it doesn’t paralyze me. I like being there. It’s my place to enjoy for myself. My notions, while they may sound complicated, in the manner that I document them, are not going to amaze the world in any real way. They are simply realizations that I have made of the world around me and the ways that I can help make it a better place for the people that I come into contact with. The thoughts are rich. Pliable. I catch myself smirking, at my own wild thoughts, sometimes, because it excites me to have made those intricate connections. Challenging the edges of my mind to create a new edge. I don’t know how long I will be able to claim this clarity so I must utilize it in order to open my heart to the world and allow them to see what I see. I am aware. I am beginning to extend my hand to you all. Because I know that I need you all. I am in the process of coming out of the shadows and exposing myself to the blinding light of vulnerability. These words are my truth. Described in the ways that I truly believe that they needed to be articulated.

Thank you for reading.

Security

I’m in a different mental space, right now. It’s really difficult to describe the vibe or the intentions that are being formulated in my mind but I know that I’m developing something that I will be able to rely on as I go forward. There’s a  difference in the way that I feel about myself. I’ve lived within my sensibilities for a long time, my whole life to be exact, and at this very moment I’m feeling like the idea of who I am and the person that I’ve actually become are intertwining in a way that makes me so comfortable in my skin and I can now go forward and do. Do what? Not everything needs to be explained. Leave room for the mystery.

I now feel that I want to be a part of something fun. I want to spark that precociousness that, I believe, has been stifled forever. Not by anyone or anything other than myself though. I wasn’t aware of, nor was I able to, get out of my own way for long enough to realize that I have been hurting myself in more ways than one. I avoided situations that I should definitely have addressed. I sought distractions from things that were in my mind and I thought that, by doing that,I would be able to pick up from where I left off and simply go forward. That was wrong. I know that now. But knowing that is the most important part because now there are answers that have developed over the course of time due to the fact that I have begun to really enjoy being with myself.

I’ve been asked, by many people, why I am such a recluse. I dunno. I can’t really say but I know that I have always been alone. And I have always been aware of it, for as long as I remember. It has been difficult at times, but I think that learning how to be alone and to be comfortable around myself was necessary for me to get onto this road and start this journey that I’m on. I love examining the issues that I don’t necessarily enjoy conjuring up, in my mind, and figuring out why they are so buried. I’ve set out to deal with my issues in my way. Of course, it needs to be said that I, alone, will not fix any and everything. You need help. You will always need help. But just as you will always need assistance, you will need to step out of yourself, look at your situations and acknowledge that you too make mistakes. If you can do that honestly, I believe that you are ahead of the game, right there.

The writing that I have been doing every day has really attributed to this newfound stream of awareness that I’m in the process of broadening. I’m actually excited to see where everything, that I have been investing my energy in, goes to. Hopefully, I’m granted the time to make a few more steps forward.