Ante Meridiem Thoughts

I try to maintain a certain level of confidence in myself, at all times. I will admit that it is not always the easiest thing to do but I wake up, every morning, and believe in myself. From that point, it’s time to hit the streets and envelope myself in that energy. So, with that being said, what do you believe that you exude? And why do you believe that you exude it? I can tell you why I go around town with that mentality, in my back pocket. There was a time, in my life, when I used to seek validation from different places/people and I would extend (sometimes overextend) myself in order to obtain what I thought that I needed. As I grew to be older, I became upset with those same people, through whom I had sought that very same validation, because I felt like they were aware that I was looking for it in the wrong places and they chose to not steer me into the right direction. I thought that they were arrogant in that. Not realizing that the true arrogance was being actualized by yours truly. It took me a while to get to this place. The place of accountability. I cannot expect anything from anyone, if I don’t let them know that I need it and, as for any sort of validation, everything that I need is within me. Nothing that I do is done because of you. It is about how I feel about it. You may believe that saying this is selfish, and it is, I guess, but I can’t think for anyone other than myself and if I were to continue to seek for others to substantiate my inner strength, I would leave myself open to the possibility of dishonesty to be projected in my direction due to the fact that, unfortunately, some folks do not have your best interests at heart. With anything that you do, you’ve GOT to believe that you can do it. Belief, I have come to realize, is an EXTREMELY rare occurrence. Few veritably believe, whole-heartedly, in what they do/say. This is why I believe that it is truly important to be able to read what is right in front of you, and to utilize all of the tools at your disposal, namely your intuition. This is also why I believe that there is such a large discrepancy between the amount of success and failure, on every level. Now, this isn’t to say that many people don’t actually want to achieve success. I think that everyone wants that. It just comes down to a simple question: “Do you truly believe that you can attain it?”. When you believe, without a shadow of a doubt, success will happen. It is only when you offer up the possibility of failure that you encounter those things that will, potentially, derail you from your quest. I feel the need to be a bit more specific, with my theory. The singular thought of potential failure, rearing it’s ugly head, does not spell the end of your attempt, but you have to extricate those considerations by overwhelming them with belief. Your fears simply cannot be allowed to grow. Your day-to-day will always present you with a challenge (or two) that you may not have been prepared for, challenges that will threaten to undermine the mental state that you have been cultivating, so don’t be surprised when those moments appear. Build a solid base of confidence, and know that you will be able to deal with whatever it is. This is just how I think, every day, and I will stand behind these statements, if necessary. Ain’t nobody gonna look me in my eyes, and tell me that I can’t do something, and have me believing that shit. Never in your life. You’re welcomed to try, though.

Security

I’m in a different mental space, right now. It’s really difficult to describe the vibe or the intentions that are being formulated in my mind but I know that I’m developing something that I will be able to rely on as I go forward. There’s a  difference in the way that I feel about myself. I’ve lived within my sensibilities for a long time, my whole life to be exact, and at this very moment I’m feeling like the idea of who I am and the person that I’ve actually become are intertwining in a way that makes me so comfortable in my skin and I can now go forward and do. Do what? Not everything needs to be explained. Leave room for the mystery.

I now feel that I want to be a part of something fun. I want to spark that precociousness that, I believe, has been stifled forever. Not by anyone or anything other than myself though. I wasn’t aware of, nor was I able to, get out of my own way for long enough to realize that I have been hurting myself in more ways than one. I avoided situations that I should definitely have addressed. I sought distractions from things that were in my mind and I thought that, by doing that,I would be able to pick up from where I left off and simply go forward. That was wrong. I know that now. But knowing that is the most important part because now there are answers that have developed over the course of time due to the fact that I have begun to really enjoy being with myself.

I’ve been asked, by many people, why I am such a recluse. I dunno. I can’t really say but I know that I have always been alone. And I have always been aware of it, for as long as I remember. It has been difficult at times, but I think that learning how to be alone and to be comfortable around myself was necessary for me to get onto this road and start this journey that I’m on. I love examining the issues that I don’t necessarily enjoy conjuring up, in my mind, and figuring out why they are so buried. I’ve set out to deal with my issues in my way. Of course, it needs to be said that I, alone, will not fix any and everything. You need help. You will always need help. But just as you will always need assistance, you will need to step out of yourself, look at your situations and acknowledge that you too make mistakes. If you can do that honestly, I believe that you are ahead of the game, right there.

The writing that I have been doing every day has really attributed to this newfound stream of awareness that I’m in the process of broadening. I’m actually excited to see where everything, that I have been investing my energy in, goes to. Hopefully, I’m granted the time to make a few more steps forward.