No rationale

Irrational confidence is a very dangerous thing to possess. It is also, in many cases of overachieving in the bubble, a necessity. It will always be something that I grapple with because I have been taught to be humble. My question to you is: Where does humility end and the refusal to recognize your own personal greatness begin? Just because I am proud of myself, for having accomplished something, that does not denote narcissism. Of course, if we’re talking about individuals that reflect on said greatness, with the sole purpose of reminding you that they have been exceedingly blessed…well…that’s just obnoxious, and I want no parts of that. But what are you supposed to do when someone acknowledges your greatness, poses that “confirmation-like” question, and you know in your heart that they are right? That question, oftentimes sounds like this: “Oh, so you’re really good at ____, aren’t you?”, and other variations of that observation. We’ve all heard it, and so I pose the following question: If you believe, in your heart, that they’re stating a fact, why can’t you confirm it? After all, we work very hard to obtain the knowledge that we, in turn, utilize to move our lives forward and on the off chance that someone feels the need to test our confidence, if we deem it an acceptable challenge, we should all be comfortable providing further proof of our claims. What says that we can’t be proud of the work that we have put in and, simply, recognize our efforts if we believe in them?

The first time I had ever heard of irrational confidence was while I watched a basketball game. I forget who was playing but I remember someone speaking about a specific player, and saying that “The irrational confidence that once made him a star is the same thing that will torpedo his career.”. I had never taken the time to grasp the concept of that possibility, before having heard what that individual said, but it immediately opened doors in my mind that would never again be closed. Ever since that moment, I have circled the idea of irrational confidence very carefully. I know that it can help me reach heights that I may never reach without it but I am, and will forever be, leery of it’s presence in my life. The scrutiny that I employ while maneuvering through life forces me to manifest a belief in myself that I possess against all of the odds that were placed in opposition of my path but, I often wonder, is it “irrational”? At this point, in my life, I understand exactly what I need to do. The only thing that I wonder is if I will be able to make it to the mountain top, before it’s all said and done. If you’ve never really thought that you would live a long life, it’s sort of difficult to envision a day when you might achieve everything that you now believe to be possible.

The confidence is there but the daily reminder, to accept the fact that I have a small window to do what needs to be done, is always at the forefront of my mind. No complacency, for me. The last thing I want is to be oblivious to the fact that I may possibly be weighing myself down with the very hubris that allowed me to excel. I grew up needing to make sure that I was able to identify any and all modifications that were necessary to my progression. That has not changed. In truth, I have gotten better at identifying the things that need to change around me, and inside of me. This clarity doesn’t imply that I have been successful in doing so, simply that I have become more aware . Adjustments are just a part of the progression and I am not shy about adaptation. Getting carried away, and believing that this ride will last forever is, simply put, a fallacy. The difficulty, I believe, in the subject that I am speaking of, is in ceding your position because your time is up. Who truly ever believes that they have, plainly, run out of time? Yes, we are taught that “Nothing lasts forever” ; however, when are we taught to cede power? Gracefully step aside? I feel that those lessons are just as valuable as learning how to  grasp control. I also believe that our lack of understanding, for the latter, creates the illusion of being able to retain the former.

I rang in 2019 by meditating. I ran through each and every single moment that I could remember and gave respect to each of them. I spent about an hour doing that and I have to admit that I could have, probably, spent more time in deep contemplation. In doing what I did, I sometimes feel as though I’m still meditating. It’s like I set my clock to a certain time and now I’m living my life, following that time. Nevertheless, life feels different now. The confidence that I feel can only be described as “sunlight”. I have more control of myself, in the deepest of senses, and I am increasing my self-comprehension with the more that I learn about the person that I am becoming. I know what I need to do, in order to be the person that I am needed to become. Do I really need to be irrationally confident, to become that person? Who knows? Will it help me achieve my goals? Or will it tear me down because I’ve taken it too far?

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Uuuugh…

I need to get something off of my chest. I’ve hit a wall. I am not very happy with my lack of forward movement. Actually, it’s not even really a wall. I put myself in a bad spot and so I have to act strategically in order to rid myself of the nuisance that currently plagues my existence. The catch is that I need to get back to doing things that I normally do, in order to feel that joy and happiness that fuels my positivity but to be able to feel those emotions I must maintain the focus that I currently have. Vicious cycle. I’m not enjoying myself in my current state and that could be due to a couple of things but more importantly than naming those reasons, I need to embrace this…malaise that seems to be tormenting me at present.

I’ve recently learned something about being in a negative emotional state, that I carry with me with every waking moment. Personally, when dealing with a sort of personal tragedy, the understanding that I cannot speed up the process of feeling better was an important discovery. Anger, sadness, woe, these are all emotions and as such I feel as though they need to be worked through over time. I’ve never heard of anyone trying to speed up the feeling of joy or any other positive sentiment. You ride the positive feeling all the way out, until there’s nothing left, and so when I feel a particular feeling that I deem as counter-productive to my positivity, I need to ride it out because there is nothing else that I can do about it. It’s a natural occurrence and by attempting to “put out the fire” I’m actually just delaying said process. So I had to make peace with that reality. The steps differ from person to person but the fact, in my mind, remains the same.

So here I am, on the precipice of a new emotion but still languishing in the throws of one that I don’t like so much. Taking everything one step at a time is uber necessary because looking too far ahead makes me feel like I will never get to where I’m attempting to go. So I will get some sleep and wake in the moment that is today. I’ll have my chia seeds and I will start thinking about whatever it is I dreamt about, the night before. And I will be annoyed and unhappy. But it will go away. Because I’m focused on the task that will lead to my happiness. One step at a time.