I’m focused, lately. I talk about balance and about how much I know that it is important but, when you’re an extremist, do you truly have the ability to comprehend the premise of that notion? Regardless, I have hopped onto the track that I was always, sort of, supposed to have been on, according to certain folks. I’m here to demonstrate the growth that is unavoidable. Not to brag. To be completely honest, I don’t recognize this person that I am, right now. I don’t know this guy. I’ve never been this guy. I knew that I could do the things that I’m doing now, but I wasn’t really sure when I would get here. It’s an interesting observation. For a long time, I’ve felt like the guy in a standstill, while the world kept flying by me. There was a time when I felt a bit anxious, to get going, but I had realized that my time would come. Is that time right now? I don’t really know. I just know that whatever “this” is, it must be cared for. Nurtured. Delicately. It may be the start of something or it could be the peak of something. Either way, I have to be smart about how I approach things, from now on. Recently, I’ve been isolating my mind, far away from all of the outside noise that might distract me from doing everything that I want to do. Writing, growing my plants, riding around the city, these are all things that are helping me to center my mind. I, sometimes, wonder how centered I can get myself. In my mind, there are two dueling trains of thought. On the one hand, I am proud of where I have allowed my mind to go, and the focus that I have been demonstrating, despite the other emotional issues that have been occupying most of my focus, for quite some time now. On the other hand, I am aware that my current focus represents but a grain of sand in the desert. I believe that one of my greatest strengths is my inability to see the ceilings to my possibilities. With that being said, I know that I can focus harder and I know that I can block out the noise, to a greater degree than I currently am. I’m not going to try too hard to understand what exactly is happening. I’m simply going to ride the wave. Cultivating my feelings and making sure that I make the most of the situation at hand.
I, sometimes, think that we, as guys, need to chill. I won’t exclude myself from this. I have the opportunity to be in the vicinity of both sexes during my day-to-day and I will admit that Montreal has extremely beautiful women, but there needs to be some perspective acquired, and parameters established, here. I make it a habit to be aware of my surroundings, as much as I can be. In doing so, one of my favorite things to do is to spot an attractive person (Male or female) and observe the reactions of the people walking towards or driving past them. I do that because I find it interesting to see how little some folks can control themselves. I won’t speak too much on how women respond to seeing a handsome man, in this particular entry. I will talk about us. The men.
There is very rarely any acceptable reason for a man to ogle a woman as she enters his field of view, and then to maintain that unfortunate display until well after she exits it. I find that offensive and extremely unnecessary. No one has ever said that it is wrong to acknowledge the presence of someone that you believe is aesthetically pleasing, to you, but there have to be clear lines drawn. Too often, what I see us doing makes me just plain uncomfortable. And that’s just me, not even being really close to the situation. I simply couldn’t deal with that nonsense, if I were a woman. A friend of mine told me that, once, while she was in the train, a man pressed up against her from behind and refused to move, even though there was reasonably enough space for him to so. When I first heard that, I remembered being mortified. She continued on to say that she never yelled or screamed out because she was afraid of what might happen to her, at his hands. Very few men, again including myself, have ever had to think in that way which, I believe is a big part of why these types of behavioral patterns still exist. Some of us are truly hypocritical, in that sense. I hear, see, and generally experience men being overly protective of their sisters, mothers, and daughters, but as soon as the context has been modified, some of those morals, with regards to the “object of our infatuation”, are more loose and we, a lot of times, begin to objectify in ways that they would never condone. To be fair, a lot of these situations occur whilst the individual is completely unaware of his actions but, then again, other times, we’re in our right minds.Regardless, I still hold us accountable because I believe that it is imperative that we use our intellects at full capacity when these circumstances present themselves. These women are our friends, our co-workers, the people that, when interwoven within the fabric of our lives, make the tapestry that much richer. We need to remind ourselves of this. Always. My rule is this: If you see a beautiful person walking up to you, and you didn’t have to courage to say something to that person while they are in or around your milieu, forget it. Move on. Don’t stay there, gawking at them, as if you’re trying to undress them with your drool.
I know for a fact that I wouldn’t want any guy doing that to my mom. I know for a fact that I wouldn’t want anyone doing that to my sister. So I make it a point not to do that to any woman. I am aware that there are bigger things happening in the world, but I believe that, in continuing to be respectful in that way, I am making it easier for someone. At the very least. I have made my fair share of mistakes, with women. Whether it was saying something that shouldn’t have been said, or otherwise, I believe that I have been, and will continue to be, genuine in my attempts at atonement. This entry was not written with the intent to bash all men, because “all men” don’t do what I have been writing about. But a lot of us do and I just felt that I should present my thoughts on the subject. To all the respectful men, out there, I salute you.
Believe it or not, this is going to be my first post of the year. Now, I have been writing in my book, which I carry around with me everywhere and document thoughts in, on a daily basis, but for some reason I have been having a kind of mental block when it comes to this thing. As a result, I just don’t write, because I don’t believe in posting things with a lack of substance. Also, I have been dealing with a sort of dueling thought process. On one side, I don’t want to talk about myself at all. I want to keep my life completely private and have no one know anything about me. I want to be utterly anonymous. In my mind, it can be done. But on the same note, I have grown so much in the past three years and want to take you along for the ride. I went from not being able to trust my own decision making to executing exactly what I have in my mind, in the exact way that I see it. I believe now. I have been dealing with those two processes of thought since I started writing and shooting clips for this website. I cannot say that either thought has grown more than the other, though. I think that they have both kept pace with each other. I went from posting something every so often to writing in my book every single day and it has helped me change a lot. But I have to keep going with the site. Francois Toulour has simply evolved but I still want you to come along with me and share in the evolution. I have always thought of this as a way for me to connect to the people that I have not been able to see, touch, talk to, etc… I care about everyone. I don’t mind that some find that pointless or useless. For better or for worse, I want to bare it to you because, at the end of the day, I am going through the same things that you are. Maybe not at the same time but how different are you from me?
“I care about everyone. I don’t mind that some find that pointless or useless.”
I will say this: I have heard, for a long time, that I have “something”. That I am “weird” but in a good way. I hated that shit for a long time. I didn’t want to be any of that. Because I couldn’t find the like-minded individuals that were similar to that. I identify with a small portion of a lot of people but never enough to feel comfortable. I used to want to be a part of a group. Like a group of close friends. For a while, I thought I was a part of something like that, but after a bit of self-reflection I have realized that I probably never did. Even when I actually had a group of dudes that I hung out with on the regular. Even when I was in grade school and everyone knew who I was. Everything always felt just a tad bit off. So after the breakup, I decided that instead of killing myself, which I have briefly debated due to a very deep depression, I would learn to be alone and understand who I actually am. Once I got the strength to do so, I started seeing traits that I never really knew that I had. The other traits that I had been aware of, blossomed into different things altogether. I am still in the embryonic stages of learning about myself. I think that it will be a project that will last a lifetime. In this life and the next. But I love it. I love it partly because I get to show you. And maybe, by me expressing myself, you may take something and implement it in your own life Or maybe it may spark a thought that you probably would not have had, otherwise. That’s really all that I want. To contribute in that way.
I am now accepting of the accolades that have been given to me and I am going to do something that I have never done consistently; I am going to channel my spirit into specific parts of my life that I haven’t ever tried to focus on. I’ll let you know what happens, for better or for worse.