I’ve tended to look inward, a lot, over the past few years. The writing that I do, in that book, every day has been a major catalyst in the process. There is a lot of mental debris but I find ways to navigate and find the clearings. I was incapable of even thinking about a statement like that, a few years ago, but I am a new person today. I recently found out that Rocio got engaged. That’s huge. I saw it and I thought to myself “Oh shit!”…I searched inward for the rest of the emotions that surely were trailing right behind, but there was nothing. No anger, no jealousy, not an ounce of resentment. I’m happy for her and for that guy. I really hope that it works out. I asked my brother about his past relationships, namely one in particular, and I wanted to know if he still thinks about them. He does. Everyone does, to an extent. I do too, but it’s changed. I used to have this nostalgia about what was. Stuck in the self-created euphoria of my past love, all the while ignoring the fact that there are always two sides to a coin…It wasn’t always love. There was a lot of hate. A lot of negativity. A lot of pointless situations that we could have both done without. Overreactions from both sides. If all of that is taken into context, then I get to where I am now, which is content with the result. Plus, I am in such a better situation that it’s ridiculous. When that whole thing ended, I was really down because I was not able to get closure on it, in a way that I felt comfortable with. It was refused, to me. It haunted me for years. I am no longer in need of any validation from that situation or that time in my life. I am ready to lift-off. I have done my penance.To myself. And now, I am done with that.I told myself over and over that I wouldn’t allow that situation to define who I am as a person. It was the starting block to my story, for a while. I clung to it, as though the pain was somehow symbiotic, but no. No. This blog started on account of that part of my life but it was never meant to be sustained as such. I am ready to take a transformational step. I thought that I was ready for a while but I was not. My heart and mind are lighter, these days. Other hardships are coming, let’s not act like they aren’t. The positive in that? I can now have a much clearer head, to take on those coming issues. Whatever they are. Stephan is here. And the fire burns fierce.
This life is a fight. That is what it has been for me and that is what it will always be. I say this, not because I feel that I have to establish anything for myself really, but because I feel that my family, past, present, and future deserve to simply live with a reduced level of stress. If that means that I will have to heap that stress unto my psyche, then so be it. I can handle it. They surely can as well but I don’t want them to. Now, anyone that knows me knows that I am not inherently a “family guy”. I’d more like to be in the background. Celebrate and rejoice in the fruits of your labor and the spoils that you have access to and just know that I am around, somewhere, supporting your ascent. I was not always like this. I used to like the attention of a moment in time but I have grown to be in love with this sort of anonymity. I guess that is where “The Nightfox” stuff comes from. If I could disappear…I would. It will happen at some point. I just hope that I have done enough good for the ripples to have been created and for them to carry on, through time. Love is all I want. In any and every form, for any and everyone. Because I know that the love you seek will cure you. The love that you’ve found is healing you, with every breath that you breathe. I can’t possibly change that or improve upon what you have found but if I could help you in any way possible, afford you a positive, happy experience, then that’s all there is. I could never be selfish about that, and ask for any more than that small morsel. This post may not flow as consistently as other, previous, posts but I am writing this at 5 in the ante, and so that may be the reason. Regardless, I think that you got the point that I was attempting to convey. Or maybe not. Stay up.
I have realized that my writing on this blog has escaped me a bit, as it always does, every now and then. I have hot and cold moments with the process and I believe that this is completely natural. But this time, as I kept thinking about certain topics that I wished to delve into, I realized that my desire to express myself has shifted slightly. At this point in my life, I have less inclination to write anything on here. I am more interested in visually representing how I feel and the perspectives that I come to. Currently, I am in a good mental space and, with that being said, I would like to offer that positive space to the world in the form of pictures, paintings and different forms of creative expression. There is no monetary motivations to any of this and that is how I think that it should be, because once I attach that sort of requirement to my creations it becomes more of an occupation than an outlet, which is really and truly not what I want.
The writing part of my creative process is going great. I have my books and write in them every day. I’ve learned to allow that process to become my way of getting certain things out, instead of feeling the need to write about specific situations. The interesting thing about the writing is that I have chosen to simply allow the moment to dictate the direction of the entry. This is sometimes very tough, considering that there are moments where my reluctance to limit the depth of the subject matter can take me back to some very difficult times. Occasionally, I’m actually surprised at the ease with which I get to the core of the issue that I end up writing about but, all in all, it is a very cathartic experience and I am very grateful for the ability to express myself in that way.
All of this to say that the blog isn’t going anywhere. I have promised changes for a while now and I have not done much in the way of that but it’ll happen. As reclusive as I am, this site has been a really great thing for me and I hope that you find it to be something that you enjoy as well. I will do my best to find new ways to make the site interesting. And creative.
Thank you for taking the time to read this entry.
I need to get something off of my chest. I’ve hit a wall. I am not very happy with my lack of forward movement. Actually, it’s not even really a wall. I put myself in a bad spot and so I have to act strategically in order to rid myself of the nuisance that currently plagues my existence. The catch is that I need to get back to doing things that I normally do, in order to feel that joy and happiness that fuels my positivity but to be able to feel those emotions I must maintain the focus that I currently have. Vicious cycle. I’m not enjoying myself in my current state and that could be due to a couple of things but more importantly than naming those reasons, I need to embrace this…malaise that seems to be tormenting me at present.
I’ve recently learned something about being in a negative emotional state, that I carry with me with every waking moment. Personally, when dealing with a sort of personal tragedy, the understanding that I cannot speed up the process of feeling better was an important discovery. Anger, sadness, woe, these are all emotions and as such I feel as though they need to be worked through over time. I’ve never heard of anyone trying to speed up the feeling of joy or any other positive sentiment. You ride the positive feeling all the way out, until there’s nothing left, and so when I feel a particular feeling that I deem as counter-productive to my positivity, I need to ride it out because there is nothing else that I can do about it. It’s a natural occurrence and by attempting to “put out the fire” I’m actually just delaying said process. So I had to make peace with that reality. The steps differ from person to person but the fact, in my mind, remains the same.
So here I am, on the precipice of a new emotion but still languishing in the throws of one that I don’t like so much. Taking everything one step at a time is uber necessary because looking too far ahead makes me feel like I will never get to where I’m attempting to go. So I will get some sleep and wake in the moment that is today. I’ll have my chia seeds and I will start thinking about whatever it is I dreamt about, the night before. And I will be annoyed and unhappy. But it will go away. Because I’m focused on the task that will lead to my happiness. One step at a time.
It’s a very elusive thing. It’s very difficult to take a moment and truly be grateful for anything, I believe. And don’t tell me that you always find a way to do it on Thanksgiving or on Christmas because I’m not going to believe you. I’m not talking about the days that are engineered for you to relive past events and be nostalgic, I’m talking about genuinely taking a moment in your life, devoid of any other activity, and actually realizing that you are a capable, intelligent, healthy, loved person and and actually soaking that moment up. My cousin Randy’s friend was gunned down in Brooklyn about a month ago. Gerard. I didn’t know him, never met the guy but based on all of the messages that I have seen since this happened, I feel like I got to know him a little bit. Seemingly a nice guy. A bit cocky, but when you live in Brooklyn you gotta have that every now and then. I can’t imagine what it must have been like in the last few seconds of his life. The realization that this is all about to be over and not knowing what lies ahead. The people that you’re never going to see again. The things that you never got to tell them just one last time. And the fear. The fear in that moment and how you wish that it was just a bad dream. I hurt for Gerard because it was not fair. Whatever instigated this retaliation couldn’t have been as bad as taking his life for it, but let me get back to why I’m writing this.
I know that you see mentions about appreciating the moment in magazines. You see interviews of celebrities and they’re saying it, and I’m sure a few commercials have mentioned it too, but I’m saying it in the context of family, friends, co-workers, whatever. They know that you care but if you were to die today, would you be content with leaving it that way? I try to let my people know that I love them as much as I can, even the people that I don’t know very well but that I enjoy, I tell them too. The people I don’t know very well find me weird for doing that but I don’t mind. It’s just something that I feel and so I act on it. I don’t know how long I’ll be around. Death, paralysis, and other things are all around the corner and you can work out as much as you want but if it’s gonna happen, it’s gonna happen and them weights ain’t gonna stop it. So take a moment. It doesn’t matter where you are. Whether you’re riding on the bus, stuck in traffic, heck, even if you’re on the toilet bowl, just realize that you could be in a much worse situation than you are in and just be happy about that. Be happy that you have whoever you have around you and be happy that they are kind to you. Be glad that your cat or your dog greets you when you get home and that they make your life so much better. Be glad that you can put on your headphones and listen to great music without any real problem. Just be glad, man.
Rest in Peace Gerard Grant.