I’m focused, lately. I talk about balance and about how much I know that it is important but, when you’re an extremist, do you truly have the ability to comprehend the premise of that notion? Regardless, I have hopped onto the track that I was always, sort of, supposed to have been on, according to certain folks. I’m here to demonstrate the growth that is unavoidable. Not to brag. To be completely honest, I don’t recognize this person that I am, right now. I don’t know this guy. I’ve never been this guy. I knew that I could do the things that I’m doing now, but I wasn’t really sure when I would get here. It’s an interesting observation. For a long time, I’ve felt like the guy in a standstill, while the world kept flying by me. There was a time when I felt a bit anxious, to get going, but I had realized that my time would come. Is that time right now? I don’t really know. I just know that whatever “this” is, it must be cared for. Nurtured. Delicately. It may be the start of something or it could be the peak of something. Either way, I have to be smart about how I approach things, from now on. Recently, I’ve been isolating my mind, far away from all of the outside noise that might distract me from doing everything that I want to do. Writing, growing my plants, riding around the city, these are all things that are helping me to center my mind. I, sometimes, wonder how centered I can get myself. In my mind, there are two dueling trains of thought. On the one hand, I am proud of where I have allowed my mind to go, and the focus that I have been demonstrating, despite the other emotional issues that have been occupying most of my focus, for quite some time now. On the other hand, I am aware that my current focus represents but a grain of sand in the desert. I believe that one of my greatest strengths is my inability to see the ceilings to my possibilities. With that being said, I know that I can focus harder and I know that I can block out the noise, to a greater degree than I currently am. I’m not going to try too hard to understand what exactly is happening. I’m simply going to ride the wave. Cultivating my feelings and making sure that I make the most of the situation at hand.
I’ve tended to look inward, a lot, over the past few years. The writing that I do, in that book, every day has been a major catalyst in the process. There is a lot of mental debris but I find ways to navigate and find the clearings. I was incapable of even thinking about a statement like that, a few years ago, but I am a new person today. I recently found out that Rocio got engaged. That’s huge. I saw it and I thought to myself “Oh shit!”…I searched inward for the rest of the emotions that surely were trailing right behind, but there was nothing. No anger, no jealousy, not an ounce of resentment. I’m happy for her and for that guy. I really hope that it works out. I asked my brother about his past relationships, namely one in particular, and I wanted to know if he still thinks about them. He does. Everyone does, to an extent. I do too, but it’s changed. I used to have this nostalgia about what was. Stuck in the self-created euphoria of my past love, all the while ignoring the fact that there are always two sides to a coin…It wasn’t always love. There was a lot of hate. A lot of negativity. A lot of pointless situations that we could have both done without. Overreactions from both sides. If all of that is taken into context, then I get to where I am now, which is content with the result. Plus, I am in such a better situation that it’s ridiculous. When that whole thing ended, I was really down because I was not able to get closure on it, in a way that I felt comfortable with. It was refused, to me. It haunted me for years. I am no longer in need of any validation from that situation or that time in my life. I am ready to lift-off. I have done my penance.To myself. And now, I am done with that.I told myself over and over that I wouldn’t allow that situation to define who I am as a person. It was the starting block to my story, for a while. I clung to it, as though the pain was somehow symbiotic, but no. No. This blog started on account of that part of my life but it was never meant to be sustained as such. I am ready to take a transformational step. I thought that I was ready for a while but I was not. My heart and mind are lighter, these days. Other hardships are coming, let’s not act like they aren’t. The positive in that? I can now have a much clearer head, to take on those coming issues. Whatever they are. Stephan is here. And the fire burns fierce.
This life is a fight. That is what it has been for me and that is what it will always be. I say this, not because I feel that I have to establish anything for myself really, but because I feel that my family, past, present, and future deserve to simply live with a reduced level of stress. If that means that I will have to heap that stress unto my psyche, then so be it. I can handle it. They surely can as well but I don’t want them to. Now, anyone that knows me knows that I am not inherently a “family guy”. I’d more like to be in the background. Celebrate and rejoice in the fruits of your labor and the spoils that you have access to and just know that I am around, somewhere, supporting your ascent. I was not always like this. I used to like the attention of a moment in time but I have grown to be in love with this sort of anonymity. I guess that is where “The Nightfox” stuff comes from. If I could disappear…I would. It will happen at some point. I just hope that I have done enough good for the ripples to have been created and for them to carry on, through time. Love is all I want. In any and every form, for any and everyone. Because I know that the love you seek will cure you. The love that you’ve found is healing you, with every breath that you breathe. I can’t possibly change that or improve upon what you have found but if I could help you in any way possible, afford you a positive, happy experience, then that’s all there is. I could never be selfish about that, and ask for any more than that small morsel. This post may not flow as consistently as other, previous, posts but I am writing this at 5 in the ante, and so that may be the reason. Regardless, I think that you got the point that I was attempting to convey. Or maybe not. Stay up.
I have realized that my writing on this blog has escaped me a bit, as it always does, every now and then. I have hot and cold moments with the process and I believe that this is completely natural. But this time, as I kept thinking about certain topics that I wished to delve into, I realized that my desire to express myself has shifted slightly. At this point in my life, I have less inclination to write anything on here. I am more interested in visually representing how I feel and the perspectives that I come to. Currently, I am in a good mental space and, with that being said, I would like to offer that positive space to the world in the form of pictures, paintings and different forms of creative expression. There is no monetary motivations to any of this and that is how I think that it should be, because once I attach that sort of requirement to my creations it becomes more of an occupation than an outlet, which is really and truly not what I want.
The writing part of my creative process is going great. I have my books and write in them every day. I’ve learned to allow that process to become my way of getting certain things out, instead of feeling the need to write about specific situations. The interesting thing about the writing is that I have chosen to simply allow the moment to dictate the direction of the entry. This is sometimes very tough, considering that there are moments where my reluctance to limit the depth of the subject matter can take me back to some very difficult times. Occasionally, I’m actually surprised at the ease with which I get to the core of the issue that I end up writing about but, all in all, it is a very cathartic experience and I am very grateful for the ability to express myself in that way.
All of this to say that the blog isn’t going anywhere. I have promised changes for a while now and I have not done much in the way of that but it’ll happen. As reclusive as I am, this site has been a really great thing for me and I hope that you find it to be something that you enjoy as well. I will do my best to find new ways to make the site interesting. And creative.
Thank you for taking the time to read this entry.
I need to get something off of my chest. I’ve hit a wall. I am not very happy with my lack of forward movement. Actually, it’s not even really a wall. I put myself in a bad spot and so I have to act strategically in order to rid myself of the nuisance that currently plagues my existence. The catch is that I need to get back to doing things that I normally do, in order to feel that joy and happiness that fuels my positivity but to be able to feel those emotions I must maintain the focus that I currently have. Vicious cycle. I’m not enjoying myself in my current state and that could be due to a couple of things but more importantly than naming those reasons, I need to embrace this…malaise that seems to be tormenting me at present.
I’ve recently learned something about being in a negative emotional state, that I carry with me with every waking moment. Personally, when dealing with a sort of personal tragedy, the understanding that I cannot speed up the process of feeling better was an important discovery. Anger, sadness, woe, these are all emotions and as such I feel as though they need to be worked through over time. I’ve never heard of anyone trying to speed up the feeling of joy or any other positive sentiment. You ride the positive feeling all the way out, until there’s nothing left, and so when I feel a particular feeling that I deem as counter-productive to my positivity, I need to ride it out because there is nothing else that I can do about it. It’s a natural occurrence and by attempting to “put out the fire” I’m actually just delaying said process. So I had to make peace with that reality. The steps differ from person to person but the fact, in my mind, remains the same.
So here I am, on the precipice of a new emotion but still languishing in the throws of one that I don’t like so much. Taking everything one step at a time is uber necessary because looking too far ahead makes me feel like I will never get to where I’m attempting to go. So I will get some sleep and wake in the moment that is today. I’ll have my chia seeds and I will start thinking about whatever it is I dreamt about, the night before. And I will be annoyed and unhappy. But it will go away. Because I’m focused on the task that will lead to my happiness. One step at a time.