Feelings that I feel

alan-jaras-1

Amber – Nils Frahm

Press play and enjoy!

 

I am a mixture of emotions, below the surface of a stoic exterior… I could easily throw these individual feelings into categories that are all too familiar to us, but I believe that they deserve more respect than a mere assumption. My soul percolates, in search of what it all means, to me. “What are these feelings that I feel? They can’t all be the same 4 or 5 that I always hear about”. The complexity of that search is so enjoyable. It’s also one that requires time and patience, the latter of which I am trying to further cultivate. I liken the search, through the prism of my emotions, to the photography that I have been interested in, for years, by a man named Alan Jaras. Alan developed the technique of Lensless Photography using light, a camera body and a refractive object to form ‘Refractographs’ directly on to film. It’s his explanation of that technique that has my attention:

 

“I have always been fascinated in visualising the invisible. After a long career in industrial scientific research using optical and electron microscopy to image the microscopic world I now explore the strange and wonderful world of the refraction patterns of light.  Working with glass, plastics and resins I capture these unique patterns formed by a single static beam of light after it passes through the complex transparent objects that I create.”

 

It sounds scientific and, undoubtedly, it is but there’s something beautiful in the way that he describes the light and the result of it, passing through the object that he creates. “Vizualizing the invisible”…Man, what a concept. I look inward, at the images that circulate through my subconscious, and I see layers. Layers of my mind and the different things that I can possibly be feeling. My thoughts are certainly less scientific than what Mr. Jaras explained but I want to understand the invisible, rather than “visualizing” it. Learning about those intricacies is such an adventure. The possibilities are endless and the results can, and will, affect your whole world. I am a mixture of emotions, below the surface of a stoic exterior…

Security

I’m in a different mental space, right now. It’s really difficult to describe the vibe or the intentions that are being formulated in my mind but I know that I’m developing something that I will be able to rely on as I go forward. There’s a  difference in the way that I feel about myself. I’ve lived within my sensibilities for a long time, my whole life to be exact, and at this very moment I’m feeling like the idea of who I am and the person that I’ve actually become are intertwining in a way that makes me so comfortable in my skin and I can now go forward and do. Do what? Not everything needs to be explained. Leave room for the mystery.

I now feel that I want to be a part of something fun. I want to spark that precociousness that, I believe, has been stifled forever. Not by anyone or anything other than myself though. I wasn’t aware of, nor was I able to, get out of my own way for long enough to realize that I have been hurting myself in more ways than one. I avoided situations that I should definitely have addressed. I sought distractions from things that were in my mind and I thought that, by doing that,I would be able to pick up from where I left off and simply go forward. That was wrong. I know that now. But knowing that is the most important part because now there are answers that have developed over the course of time due to the fact that I have begun to really enjoy being with myself.

I’ve been asked, by many people, why I am such a recluse. I dunno. I can’t really say but I know that I have always been alone. And I have always been aware of it, for as long as I remember. It has been difficult at times, but I think that learning how to be alone and to be comfortable around myself was necessary for me to get onto this road and start this journey that I’m on. I love examining the issues that I don’t necessarily enjoy conjuring up, in my mind, and figuring out why they are so buried. I’ve set out to deal with my issues in my way. Of course, it needs to be said that I, alone, will not fix any and everything. You need help. You will always need help. But just as you will always need assistance, you will need to step out of yourself, look at your situations and acknowledge that you too make mistakes. If you can do that honestly, I believe that you are ahead of the game, right there.

The writing that I have been doing every day has really attributed to this newfound stream of awareness that I’m in the process of broadening. I’m actually excited to see where everything, that I have been investing my energy in, goes to. Hopefully, I’m granted the time to make a few more steps forward.

The Growth

Believe it or not, this is going to be my first post of the year. Now, I have been writing in my book, which I carry around with me everywhere and document thoughts in, on a daily basis, but for some reason I have been having a kind of mental block when it comes to this thing. As a result, I just don’t write, because I don’t believe in posting things with a lack of substance. Also, I have been dealing with a sort of dueling thought process. On one side, I don’t want to talk about myself at all. I want to keep my life completely private and have no one know anything about me. I want to be utterly anonymous. In my mind, it can be done. But on the same note, I have grown so much in the past three years and want to take you along for the ride. I went from not being able to trust my own decision making to executing exactly what I have in my mind, in the exact way that I see it. I believe now. I have been dealing with those two processes of thought since I started writing and shooting clips for this website. I cannot say that either thought has grown more than the other, though. I think that they have both kept pace with each other. I went from posting something every so often to writing in my book every single day and it has helped me change a lot. But I have to keep going with the site. Francois Toulour has simply evolved but I still want you to come along with me and share in the evolution. I have always thought of this as a way for me to connect to the people that I have not been able to see, touch, talk to, etc… I care about everyone. I don’t mind that some find that pointless or useless. For better or for worse, I want to bare it to you because, at the end of the day, I am going through the same things that you are. Maybe not at the same time but how different are you from me?

“I care about everyone. I don’t mind that some find that pointless or useless.”

I will say this: I have heard, for a long time, that I have “something”. That I am “weird” but in a good way. I hated that shit for a long time. I didn’t want to be any of that. Because I couldn’t find the like-minded individuals that were similar to that. I identify with a small portion of a lot of people but never enough to feel comfortable. I used to want to be a part of a group. Like a group of close friends. For a while, I thought I was a part of something like that, but after a bit of self-reflection I have realized that I probably never did. Even when I actually had a group of dudes that I hung out with on the regular. Even when I was in grade school and everyone knew who I was. Everything always felt just a tad bit off. So after the breakup, I decided that instead of killing myself, which I have briefly debated due to a very deep depression, I would learn to be alone and understand who I actually am. Once I got the strength to do so, I started seeing traits that I never really knew that I had. The other traits that I had been aware of, blossomed into different things altogether. I am still in the embryonic stages of learning about myself. I think that it will be a project that will last a lifetime. In this life and the next. But I love it. I love it partly because I get to show you. And maybe, by me expressing myself, you may take something and implement it in your own life Or maybe it may spark a thought that you probably would not have had, otherwise. That’s really all that I want. To contribute in that way.

I am now accepting of the accolades that have been given to me and I am going to do something that I have never done consistently; I am going to channel my spirit into specific parts of my life that I haven’t ever tried to focus on. I’ll let you know what happens, for better or for worse.