Shoutout to Frederique Martin, on the illustration.
I’ve tended to look inward, a lot, over the past few years. The writing that I do, in that book, every day has been a major catalyst in the process. There is a lot of mental debris but I find ways to navigate and find the clearings. I was incapable of even thinking about a statement like that, a few years ago, but I am a new person today. I recently found out that Rocio got engaged. That’s huge. I saw it and I thought to myself “Oh shit!”…I searched inward for the rest of the emotions that surely were trailing right behind, but there was nothing. No anger, no jealousy, not an ounce of resentment. I’m happy for her and for that guy. I really hope that it works out. I asked my brother about his past relationships, namely one in particular, and I wanted to know if he still thinks about them. He does. Everyone does, to an extent. I do too, but it’s changed. I used to have this nostalgia about what was. Stuck in the self-created euphoria of my past love, all the while ignoring the fact that there are always two sides to a coin…It wasn’t always love. There was a lot of hate. A lot of negativity. A lot of pointless situations that we could have both done without. Overreactions from both sides. If all of that is taken into context, then I get to where I am now, which is content with the result. Plus, I am in such a better situation that it’s ridiculous. When that whole thing ended, I was really down because I was not able to get closure on it, in a way that I felt comfortable with. It was refused, to me. It haunted me for years. I am no longer in need of any validation from that situation or that time in my life. I am ready to lift-off. I have done my penance.To myself. And now, I am done with that.I told myself over and over that I wouldn’t allow that situation to define who I am as a person. It was the starting block to my story, for a while. I clung to it, as though the pain was somehow symbiotic, but no. No. This blog started on account of that part of my life but it was never meant to be sustained as such. I am ready to take a transformational step. I thought that I was ready for a while but I was not. My heart and mind are lighter, these days. Other hardships are coming, let’s not act like they aren’t. The positive in that? I can now have a much clearer head, to take on those coming issues. Whatever they are. Stephan is here. And the fire burns fierce.
This took a while for me to put out because I had plans on how to end it that I just couldn’t manifest. I hope that it’s good enough for anyone that decides to watch it. I have a special place in my being for this jacket because everything on there signifies a turning point in my consciousness.
Someone asked me why I do these videos. Why I film the trips I take. I do it because I want to pass something on the others. Something positive. There are different worlds on this Earth, in my opinion. We live in only one of them but there are so many realities that I feel we aren’t exposed to so I always want to share some of that stuff. These are our trips abroad. Yea, I know, you weren’t ACTUALLY there but I go on these trips with all of you in mind. Because I want to make you smile when you see what I’m seeing. Or think when you hear what I’m hearing. You don’t have to physically leave your home to change your way of thinking. Not when you’re watching my vlogs. And if only one person gets that light bulb effect in their minds by tuning into my episodes, then I’ll have done what I set out to do. And who knows, maybe you’ll want to do vlogs or go a little deeper on your trips abroad and connect with the people you meet a little more. Whatever you wanna do, just go ahead and do it. Live on your terms. I guarantee that once you do, the smile you’ll have on the inside will make way for the smile on the outside. And it’ll never go away. Shout out to Stainless Photography!!
Life is really funny sometimes. It works on so many different levels and even though there are basic blueprints to certain kinds of success, there isn’t a fullproof way of making it anywhere. Some things that seem so full of promise, sometimes, yield little to no result and some things that you had absolutely no expectations for, end up being some of the best things you could have ever thought to do.
Ultimately though, no matter which of those choices you make, I think that you’ll be okay because you’ll have learned something that will help you going forward in life, within the effort, and despite how many times we hear people say it or we read about it, I think we have to experience that epiphany in order to REALLY “get it”. I get it. I think. That doesn’t mean that I’m on my way to being a global icon or some kind of spectacular failure, it just means that I’m okay going into the dark and seeing what I come out with, good or bad. Ideally, I would like only good things to happen to me but sometimes, bad things are just as good. Anyway, I’m not going to preach to you. I just wanted to say that.
I see myself and my life each day differently. What can I say? The facts lie. I have been Don Quixote, always creating a world of my own. I am all the women in the novels, yet still another not in the novels. It took me more than sixty diary volumes until now to tell about my life. Like Oscar Wilde I put only my art into my work and my genius into my life. My life is not possible to tell. I change every day, change my patterns, my concepts, my interpretations. I am a series of moods and sensations. I play a thousand roles. I weep when I find others play them for me. My real self is unknown. My work is merely an essence of this vast and deep adventure. I create a myth and a legend, a lie, a fairy tale, a magical world, and one that collapses every day and makes me feel like going the way of Virginia Woolf. I have tried to be not neurotic, not romantic, not destructive, but may be all of these in disguises.
It is impossible to make my portrait because of my mobility. I am not photogenic because of my mobility. Peace, serenity, and integration are unknown to me. My familiar climate is anxiety. I write as I breathe, naturally, flowingly, spontaneously, out of an overflow, not as a substitute for life. I am more interested in human beings than in writing, more interested in lovemaking than in writing, more interested in living than in writing. More interested in becoming a work of art than in creating one. I am more interesting than what I write. I am gifted in relationship above all things. I have no confidence in myself and great confidence in others. I need love more than food. I stumble and make errors, and often want to die. When I look most transparent is probably when I have just come out of the fire. I walk into the fire always, and come out more alive. All of which is not for Harper’s Bazaar.
I think life tragic, not comic, because I have no detachment. I have been guilty of idealization, guilty of everything except detachment. I am guilty of fabricating a world in which I can live and invite others to live in, but outside of that I cannot breathe. I am guilty of too serious, too grave living, but never of shallow living. I have lived in the depths. My first tragedy sent me to the bottom of the sea; I live in a submarine, and hardly ever come to the surface. I love costumes, the foam of aesthetics, noblesse oblige, and poetic writers. At fifteen I wanted to be Joan of Arc, and later, Don Quixote. I never awakened from my familiarity with mirages, and I will end probably in an opium den. None of that is suitable for Harper’s Bazaar.
I am apparently gentle, unstable, and full of pretenses. I will die a poet killed by the nonpoets, will renounce no dream, resign myself to no ugliness, accept nothing of the world but the one I made myself. I wrote, lived, loved like Don Quixote, and on the day of my death I will say: ‘Excuse me, it was all a dream,’ and by that time I may have found one who will say: ‘Not at all, it was true, absolutely true.”
– Anais Nin