Purple

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“Open your eyes” – Pusha T

The writing that I do is therapeutic because I don’t feel comfortable talking about a lot of what I write with the people that I am around. It isn’t because of them, it’s just me. I have trust issues. Ironically enough, I have created an outlet, online, for many of my hypotheses to be forever scrutinized by any and everyone. An amusing thought. The anonymity of the reader eases me. When I open my books and unscrew my fountain pen cap to write what is on my mind, or when I create these draft pages, the words begin to seep out like a crack in a dam. At first, there is no consistent flow to what I am attempting to convey but, before long, the minor leak gives way to a current that cannot be obstructed until the entirety of what has been contained has been set free. This is one of my dear elements. Through this release, I am able to find a momentary peace of mind. The pressure within the pipes returns to manageable levels. I am “in my head” a lot but it doesn’t paralyze me. I like being there. It’s my place to enjoy for myself. My notions, while they may sound complicated, in the manner that I document them, are not going to amaze the world in any real way. They are simply realizations that I have made of the world around me and the ways that I can help make it a better place for the people that I come into contact with. The thoughts are rich. Pliable. I catch myself smirking, at my own wild thoughts, sometimes, because it excites me to have made those intricate connections. Challenging the edges of my mind to create a new edge. I don’t know how long I will be able to claim this clarity so I must utilize it in order to open my heart to the world and allow them to see what I see. I am aware. I am beginning to extend my hand to you all. Because I know that I need you all. I am in the process of coming out of the shadows and exposing myself to the blinding light of vulnerability. These words are my truth. Described in the ways that I truly believe that they needed to be articulated.

Thank you for reading.

Thoughts in the ante

This life is a fight. That is what it has been for me and that is what it will always be. I say this, not because I feel that I have to establish anything for myself really, but because I feel that my family, past, present, and future deserve to simply live with a reduced level of stress. If that means that I will have to heap that stress unto my psyche, then so be it. I can handle it. They surely can as well but I don’t want them to. Now, anyone that knows me knows that I am not inherently a “family guy”. I’d more like to be in the background. Celebrate and rejoice in the fruits of your labor and the spoils that you have access to and just know that I am around, somewhere, supporting your ascent. I was not always like this. I used to like the attention of a moment in time but I have grown to be in love with this sort of anonymity. I guess that is where “The Nightfox” stuff comes from. If I could disappear…I would. It will happen at some point. I just hope that I have done enough good for the ripples to have been created and for them to carry on, through time. Love is all I want. In any and every form, for any and everyone. Because I know that the love you seek will cure you. The love that you’ve found is healing you, with every breath that you breathe. I can’t possibly change that or improve upon what you have found but if I could help you in any way possible, afford you a positive, happy experience, then that’s all there is. I could never be selfish about that, and ask for any more than that small morsel. This post may not flow as consistently as other, previous, posts but I am writing this at 5 in the ante, and so that may be the reason. Regardless, I think that you got the point that I was attempting to convey. Or maybe not. Stay up.

Mental

I would like to talk about something serious, for a minute. Our mental health. How often do we work on strengthening it? I’ll readily tell you that I thought that I did work on it but I’ve come to realize that the time invested has been minimal. I’ve been through a few things that really tested my ability to move forward and I’ve had to truly get in touch with myself and work. Not on how I was going to get out of the situation that was bearing down on me, but on how I was going to strengthen my mind in order to deal with the situation at hand. I feel that the only prevalent mentions of mental health revolve around sports and concussions therein and  there are very little mentions about it for every day citizens living in this world of increased pressure to succeed and a severe stagnation of necessary outlets to help us cope with our every day issues.

I was speaking to a friend, this weekend, and I could see that she’s worked very hard on that aspect of her life. Looking into her eyes, I could see that there was nothing this world could throw at her that she wouldn’t be able to deal with. Strong…It was incredible to be looking that in the face. I don’t think that I have ever seen that in anyone before. She mentioned that, although she seems calm and collected on the exterior, she battles with her expectations and that she has to work on herself constantly in order to regain control of the issues she faces. And that’s when I realized it. I think. Now, disclaimer: You don’t have to believe this. This is my personal opinion.

It was incredible to be looking that in the face. I don’t think that I have ever seen that in anyone before.

I realized that there is a pattern between the amount of things that are thrown at us, on a daily basis, that distract us from working on ourselves. We are in a world where we are the most important commodities and, as such, companies spend millions of dollars, each year, to try to gain our attention through inventive ads, salacious pictures, and basically manufacturing a perceived need for what they are offering. We run after a lot of different things, and assume that we’re mentally strong and that we can deal with the obstacles that oppose our progression but I don’t think that our mental acuity is tested enough for us to really know what we are made of. We’re distracted by everything around us and if we can take the time to really learn about ourselves and strengthen our minds, we will realize that the power is within each of us. That it has been there the entire time and that we don’t need anything exterior to harness it. It starts with taking the time to do it, though. Instead of trying to look for the next thing to spend your money on, invest in yourself.