The writing that I do is therapeutic because I don’t feel comfortable talking about a lot of what I write with the people that I am around. It isn’t because of them, it’s just me. I have trust issues. Ironically enough, I have created an outlet, online, for many of my hypotheses to be forever scrutinized by any and everyone. An amusing thought. The anonymity of the reader eases me. When I open my books and unscrew my fountain pen cap to write what is on my mind, or when I create these draft pages, the words begin to seep out like a crack in a dam. At first, there is no consistent flow to what I am attempting to convey but, before long, the minor leak gives way to a current that cannot be obstructed until the entirety of what has been contained has been set free. This is one of my dear elements. Through this release, I am able to find a momentary peace of mind. The pressure within the pipes returns to manageable levels. I am “in my head” a lot but it doesn’t paralyze me. I like being there. It’s my place to enjoy for myself. My notions, while they may sound complicated, in the manner that I document them, are not going to amaze the world in any real way. They are simply realizations that I have made of the world around me and the ways that I can help make it a better place for the people that I come into contact with. The thoughts are rich. Pliable. I catch myself smirking, at my own wild thoughts, sometimes, because it excites me to have made those intricate connections. Challenging the edges of my mind to create a new edge. I don’t know how long I will be able to claim this clarity so I must utilize it in order to open my heart to the world and allow them to see what I see. I am aware. I am beginning to extend my hand to you all. Because I know that I need you all. I am in the process of coming out of the shadows and exposing myself to the blinding light of vulnerability. These words are my truth. Described in the ways that I truly believe that they needed to be articulated.
I am a mixture of emotions, below the surface of a stoic exterior… I could easily throw these individual feelings into categories that are all too familiar to us, but I believe that they deserve more respect than a mere assumption. My soul percolates, in search of what it all means, to me. “What are these feelings that I feel? They can’t all be the same 4 or 5 that I always hear about”. The complexity of that search is so enjoyable. It’s also one that requires time and patience, the latter of which I am trying to further cultivate. I liken the search, through the prism of my emotions, to the photography that I have been interested in, for years, by a man named Alan Jaras. Alan developed the technique of Lensless Photography using light, a camera body and a refractive object to form ‘Refractographs’ directly on to film. It’s his explanation of that technique that has my attention:
“I have always been fascinated in visualising the invisible. After a long career in industrial scientific research using optical and electron microscopy to image the microscopic world I now explore the strange and wonderful world of the refraction patterns of light. Working with glass, plastics and resins I capture these unique patterns formed by a single static beam of light after it passes through the complex transparent objects that I create.”
It sounds scientific and, undoubtedly, it is but there’s something beautiful in the way that he describes the light and the result of it, passing through the object that he creates. “Vizualizing the invisible”…Man, what a concept. I look inward, at the images that circulate through my subconscious, and I see layers. Layers of my mind and the different things that I can possibly be feeling. My thoughts are certainly less scientific than what Mr. Jaras explained but I want to understand the invisible, rather than “visualizing” it. Learning about those intricacies is such an adventure. The possibilities are endless and the results can, and will, affect your whole world. I am a mixture of emotions, below the surface of a stoic exterior…
I’m in a different mental space, right now. It’s really difficult to describe the vibe or the intentions that are being formulated in my mind but I know that I’m developing something that I will be able to rely on as I go forward. There’s a difference in the way that I feel about myself. I’ve lived within my sensibilities for a long time, my whole life to be exact, and at this very moment I’m feeling like the idea of who I am and the person that I’ve actually become are intertwining in a way that makes me so comfortable in my skin and I can now go forward and do. Do what? Not everything needs to be explained. Leave room for the mystery.
I now feel that I want to be a part of something fun. I want to spark that precociousness that, I believe, has been stifled forever. Not by anyone or anything other than myself though. I wasn’t aware of, nor was I able to, get out of my own way for long enough to realize that I have been hurting myself in more ways than one. I avoided situations that I should definitely have addressed. I sought distractions from things that were in my mind and I thought that, by doing that,I would be able to pick up from where I left off and simply go forward. That was wrong. I know that now. But knowing that is the most important part because now there are answers that have developed over the course of time due to the fact that I have begun to really enjoy being with myself.
I’ve been asked, by many people, why I am such a recluse. I dunno. I can’t really say but I know that I have always been alone. And I have always been aware of it, for as long as I remember. It has been difficult at times, but I think that learning how to be alone and to be comfortable around myself was necessary for me to get onto this road and start this journey that I’m on. I love examining the issues that I don’t necessarily enjoy conjuring up, in my mind, and figuring out why they are so buried. I’ve set out to deal with my issues in my way. Of course, it needs to be said that I, alone, will not fix any and everything. You need help. You will always need help. But just as you will always need assistance, you will need to step out of yourself, look at your situations and acknowledge that you too make mistakes. If you can do that honestly, I believe that you are ahead of the game, right there.
The writing that I have been doing every day has really attributed to this newfound stream of awareness that I’m in the process of broadening. I’m actually excited to see where everything, that I have been investing my energy in, goes to. Hopefully, I’m granted the time to make a few more steps forward.
I would like to talk about something serious, for a minute. Our mental health. How often do we work on strengthening it? I’ll readily tell you that I thought that I did work on it but I’ve come to realize that the time invested has been minimal. I’ve been through a few things that really tested my ability to move forward and I’ve had to truly get in touch with myself and work. Not on how I was going to get out of the situation that was bearing down on me, but on how I was going to strengthen my mind in order to deal with the situation at hand. I feel that the only prevalent mentions of mental health revolve around sports and concussions therein and there are very little mentions about it for every day citizens living in this world of increased pressure to succeed and a severe stagnation of necessary outlets to help us cope with our every day issues.
I was speaking to a friend, this weekend, and I could see that she’s worked very hard on that aspect of her life. Looking into her eyes, I could see that there was nothing this world could throw at her that she wouldn’t be able to deal with. Strong…It was incredible to be looking that in the face. I don’t think that I have ever seen that in anyone before. She mentioned that, although she seems calm and collected on the exterior, she battles with her expectations and that she has to work on herself constantly in order to regain control of the issues she faces. And that’s when I realized it. I think. Now, disclaimer: You don’t have to believe this. This is my personal opinion.
It was incredible to be looking that in the face. I don’t think that I have ever seen that in anyone before.
I realized that there is a pattern between the amount of things that are thrown at us, on a daily basis, that distract us from working on ourselves. We are in a world where we are the most important commodities and, as such, companies spend millions of dollars, each year, to try to gain our attention through inventive ads, salacious pictures, and basically manufacturing a perceived need for what they are offering. We run after a lot of different things, and assume that we’re mentally strong and that we can deal with the obstacles that oppose our progression but I don’t think that our mental acuity is tested enough for us to really know what we are made of. We’re distracted by everything around us and if we can take the time to really learn about ourselves and strengthen our minds, we will realize that the power is within each of us. That it has been there the entire time and that we don’t need anything exterior to harness it. It starts with taking the time to do it, though. Instead of trying to look for the next thing to spend your money on, invest in yourself.