Learning to be alone is an arduous process. I say that because , for me, it’s a whole lot more than getting comfortable with the fact that no one will be at home to greet you. That, actually, has very little to do with anything. In my opinion learning to be alone is a never-ending journey of introspection and self-discovery. It’s about honing in on the person that you really are, beyond the societal requirements that force you to act in certain ways that probably weren’t instinctive, anyway. Being honest with yourself. Have you ever been asked this question:
Are you truly content with the person that you know yourself to be?
Think about how often you help without the expectation of a reward (and it can be any type of reward: A thank you, a smile, the last piece of a chocolate bar…Anything.) and tell me if you would maintain that strong desire to be helpful if those rewards weren’t a motivating factor. Those are the types of things that I have spent various moments pouring over. I spend a lot of time speaking to myself, discussing important topics, in order to really understand my stance on those very same subjects because I need to know why I think in the ways that I do. After all, how can I hope to properly convey my thoughts if I don’t get to the core of them? The molecular levels, so to speak, are the ones that interest me the most. Although I write, every day, my writing is not for that specific purpose. If that were to be the case, I would never have any substantial time to do anything else, because I would be hamstrung by my thoughts. The alone time that I have, now, serves those purposes as well as many others, within the realm of introspection.
There’s a lot of “inner cleaning” to do, if I can say so. I don’t think that I would ever openly discuss all of the things that need to be worked upon, with anyone that I know, but just know that I know what needs to be done. The next step is actually getting to a point where I actually start making those changes. In saying that, I don’t mean to imply that the changes will all be made on my own. No, no, no. I will definitely need to be assisted in getting to the place that I, ultimately, want to be. I believe in myself, though. I know that I can undertake difficult missions. And I am not afraid of doing so because the painful moments, that I know will forever be associated with facing the honest truths about about who I truly am, are things that I am comfortable accepting. The fear, for me, is in getting so comfortable being with myself that I don’t hesitate to keep it that way, and stop making efforts to socialize. This is a very, very, real possibility that I feel in my soul. On the other hand, maybe that is a momentary necessity in order for me to find some sort of enlightenment. And when I would feel that the time is right, I would reemerge as a new individual. Who knows?
So many questions, but the great thing is that I am opening to the answers. Regardless of how I will feel about them, afterwards. I, sometimes, have trouble allowing myself to celebrate small victories, but to have started this blog and to have written as much as I have, is something that I will enjoy for a little bit. I write simply to get my thoughts out. Be it wacky, emotional, or wayward, I do this as a release. I am no better, or worse than anyone, anywhere and I will maintain this stance for the rest of this life. I just enjoy this form of communicating and I am so glad that you guys/girls are on this journey with me. I haven’t always enjoyed being with myself, but those days are over. I look forward to seeing where I take it, from here.