I’ve tended to look inward, a lot, over the past few years. The writing that I do, in that book, every day has been a major catalyst in the process. There is a lot of mental debris but I find ways to navigate and find the clearings. I was incapable of even thinking about a statement like that, a few years ago, but I am a new person today. I recently found out that Rocio got engaged. That’s huge. I saw it and I thought to myself “Oh shit!”…I searched inward for the rest of the emotions that surely were trailing right behind, but there was nothing. No anger, no jealousy, not an ounce of resentment. I’m happy for her and for that guy. I really hope that it works out. I asked my brother about his past relationships, namely one in particular, and I wanted to know if he still thinks about them. He does. Everyone does, to an extent. I do too, but it’s changed. I used to have this nostalgia about what was. Stuck in the self-created euphoria of my past love, all the while ignoring the fact that there are always two sides to a coin…It wasn’t always love. There was a lot of hate. A lot of negativity. A lot of pointless situations that we could have both done without. Overreactions from both sides. If all of that is taken into context, then I get to where I am now, which is content with the result. Plus, I am in such a better situation that it’s ridiculous. When that whole thing ended, I was really down because I was not able to get closure on it, in a way that I felt comfortable with. It was refused, to me. It haunted me for years. I am no longer in need of any validation from that situation or that time in my life. I am ready to lift-off. I have done my penance.To myself. And now, I am done with that.I told myself over and over that I wouldn’t allow that situation to define who I am as a person. It was the starting block to my story, for a while. I clung to it, as though the pain was somehow symbiotic, but no. No. This blog started on account of that part of my life but it was never meant to be sustained as such. I am ready to take a transformational step. I thought that I was ready for a while but I was not. My heart and mind are lighter, these days. Other hardships are coming, let’s not act like they aren’t. The positive in that? I can now have a much clearer head, to take on those coming issues. Whatever they are. Stephan is here. And the fire burns fierce.
I have issues that need resolving. I feel like we all do. I, though, tend to go on with my life and avoid them, hoping that the happiness that I seek in the different areas that I am searching will make the questions disappear but since that happiness that I am searching for isn’t immediately attainable, the questions are ever-present and the “knocking on the door” of my mind gets louder as I attempt to grasp at the goals that seem so far away. I need to realign my view on how I will achieve the “summit”. I need to stop and turn around. Look inward and face the issues. Not be afraid of going back there. If I can solve that, I can achieve anything…But where do I start? There are so many. The jail is getting to be too small.
Certain people tend to over-think and ruin decisions that are simple. In time they will learn, I hope. Doesn’t really matter what you’ve read or how good your grades are. In my mind, real understanding starts at the center. I learned a while ago that I shouldn’t take stock in the way people view me, it’s just not something that I want to give strength. Positive or negative. It’s hard though because certain things trigger reactions. My lack of emotional reaction towards certain things that people say or do to me cause them to question my interest in them or the things they say. Try not to think so hard. Look at my actions as a whole and evaluate those. The complete series of interactions between you and I. Just because I don’t react with the face you expect, doesn’t mean that I am not feeling. I feel. It’s just hard to show sometimes. You’ll learn…
I grew up reading a lot. It was a way to escape things. Turmoil, boredom and many other things that I just don’t feel like mentioning. The books were sometimes adventure books or sometimes I would just memorize a GQ magazine but the looks of the people or the hero profiles were usually very similar. They would both, essentially, make the subject as perfect as possible. No faults to the human eye. The hair was always perfect, and the suits always tailored. The women always disposable and the cars always top of the line. It was all I saw and somewhere along the line, I started thinking that these were the ideals that I had to hold on to. The model of perfection. I guess that’s why I gravitate towards “Le Chiffre” and “Francois Toulour”. But that shit doesn’t exist. I don’t believe that it does. No one is perfect like that. Not to say that you wouldn’t want to always wear the best clothes or date the most beautiful people but I don’t think any of that stuff even matters. So I am creating my own version of these egos and trying my best to cultivate my realness. I think you show more character to walk around and take pride in the fact that you are not perfect. That there will forever be things that you have to work on. I’ve grown to enjoy that. I love walking around seeing people and knowing in my heart that the sense of expression that my eyes have noticed is really who these people are. No gimmicks. “My clothes are my skin”. “This is how I feel”. It gives me a happiness that I can’t describe and yet I know nothing of these people, but I root for them. I wish them the very best because I believe that they are being honest on a level that people fear. Everyone seems so scared of everyone. Walking around, I get more “mean mugs” than anything else. And I know people will say “Oh, but that’s just how my face is”. Haha, nah, mean muggin’ someone ain’t your face. Look at your passport picture and tell me if that is the face you make in the streets because THAT is what your face looks like, when indifferent..
Anyway, in the spirit of transparency, I just wanted to let folks know that Episode 2 will be the last vlog for the season. There will be more in the future though. Just enjoy the videos that are upcoming. They’re gonna be kinda cool.