Ante Meridiem Thoughts

I try to maintain a certain level of confidence in myself, at all times. I will admit that it is not always the easiest thing to do but I wake up, every morning, and believe in myself. From that point, it’s time to hit the streets and envelope myself in that energy. So, with that being said, what do you believe that you exude? And why do you believe that you exude it? I can tell you why I go around town with that mentality, in my back pocket. There was a time, in my life, when I used to seek validation from different places/people and I would extend (sometimes overextend) myself in order to obtain what I thought that I needed. As I grew to be older, I became upset with those same people, through whom I had sought that very same validation, because I felt like they were aware that I was looking for it in the wrong places and they chose to not steer me into the right direction. I thought that they were arrogant in that. Not realizing that the true arrogance was being actualized by yours truly. It took me a while to get to this place. The place of accountability. I cannot expect anything from anyone, if I don’t let them know that I need it and, as for any sort of validation, everything that I need is within me. Nothing that I do is done because of you. It is about how I feel about it. You may believe that saying this is selfish, and it is, I guess, but I can’t think for anyone other than myself and if I were to continue to seek for others to substantiate my inner strength, I would leave myself open to the possibility of dishonesty to be projected in my direction due to the fact that, unfortunately, some folks do not have your best interests at heart. With anything that you do, you’ve GOT to believe that you can do it. Belief, I have come to realize, is an EXTREMELY rare occurrence. Few veritably believe, whole-heartedly, in what they do/say. This is why I believe that it is truly important to be able to read what is right in front of you, and to utilize all of the tools at your disposal, namely your intuition. This is also why I believe that there is such a large discrepancy between the amount of success and failure, on every level. Now, this isn’t to say that many people don’t actually want to achieve success. I think that everyone wants that. It just comes down to a simple question: “Do you truly believe that you can attain it?”. When you believe, without a shadow of a doubt, success will happen. It is only when you offer up the possibility of failure that you encounter those things that will, potentially, derail you from your quest. I feel the need to be a bit more specific, with my theory. The singular thought of potential failure, rearing it’s ugly head, does not spell the end of your attempt, but you have to extricate those considerations by overwhelming them with belief. Your fears simply cannot be allowed to grow. Your day-to-day will always present you with a challenge (or two) that you may not have been prepared for, challenges that will threaten to undermine the mental state that you have been cultivating, so don’t be surprised when those moments appear. Build a solid base of confidence, and know that you will be able to deal with whatever it is. This is just how I think, every day, and I will stand behind these statements, if necessary. Ain’t nobody gonna look me in my eyes, and tell me that I can’t do something, and have me believing that shit. Never in your life. You’re welcomed to try, though.

Madie

Sun

I met Madie around eight or nine years ago. I had gone to a little place called “Blue Dog”,  with a few friends, because a friend was DJing, that night. I got in there and it was packed with people. It’s a very small venue, so it doesn’t take a large number of folks to make you start feeling a bit claustrophobic. I also remember that it was really hot, in there. As we made our way through a sea of people, in order to get to the front, I realized that I was gonna have to start looking for ways to get back towards the rear of the spot because I hate the feeling of being stuck, among dozens of people with little space to move. Eventually I made my way to the back and met this beautiful woman. I had seen her dancing, earlier in the night, and at this point, she was tired and decided to have a seat…while still gyrating, on the chair (still one of my funnier memories).  We started talking and she let me know that she was in Montreal to visit a friend of hers. I have never forgotten that moment, because that was the last time I would ever see her. We talked for a bit and exchanged numbers, with the intention of hanging out when she got back into the city but we were never able to make it happen. I figured that our connection would eventually fade because it was based on a semi-drunken encounter, but we maintained contact and it slowly began to morph into something altogether different . Be it by text, or through messenger, whatever the medium was, we would periodically let each other know that we cared for, and supported, one another.

The reason that I took the time to write about Madeleine is because I truly love her. I really, really love her. Throughout our friendship, she has been a constant example of ingenuity. A sort of muse. She has always had my back and always encouraged me, no matter the situation, since that very first encounter. I would like to highlight a part of one of our recent back-and-forths:

Madie 1

Madie 2

“I love you! You are enough…”

That comment came at the right time…

I had been dealing with a malaise of, exactly, not feeling as though I was good enough and she just hit me with a large dose of affection, and empathy. Empathy that reminded me that I AM good enough. People sometimes misunderstand when I say that I love a person, because I don’t say it very often, in the context of individuals that are in my life, or maybe, when I DO decide to say it , I don’t contextualize it appropriately,  but I don’t care to explain that, anymore. That last message, that she sent, gave me confidence at a time when I was severely lacking in that department. I have no doubt in my mind that I will see her again. It will be a joyous occasion. I just wanted to do something different , with this entry, and show appreciation to a person that inspires me to live life with my spirit. To demonstrate love and compassion, and, last but not least, to be happy. Hopefully, I reciprocate that sentiment. Take care of yourself, friend. We’ll reconnect soon. I love you.